0130 - The Devoted Widow

   A WIDOW weeping on her husband's grave was approached by an
Engaging Gentleman who, in a respectful manner, assured her that he
had long entertained for her the most tender feelings.

  "Wretch!" cried the Widow.  "Leave me this instant!  Is this a time
to talk to me of love?"

  "I assure you, madam, that I had not intended to disclose my
affection," the Engaging Gentleman humbly explained, "but the power
of your beauty has overcome my discretion."

  "You should see me when I have not been crying," said the Widow.

0129 - The Circular Clew

  A DETECTIVE searching for the murderer of a dead man was accosted
by a Clew.

  "Follow me," said the Clew, "and there's no knowing what you may
discover."

  So the Detective followed the Clew a whole year through a thousand
sinuosities, and at last found himself in the office of the Morgue.

  "There!" said the Clew, pointing to the open register.

  The Detective eagerly scanned the page, and found an official
statement that the deceased was dead.  Thereupon he hastened to
Police Headquarters to report progress.  The Clew, meanwhile,
sauntered among the busy haunts of men, arm in arm with an
Ingenious Theory."

0128 - The Faithful Cashier

  THE Cashier of a bank having defaulted was asked by the Directors
what he had done with the money taken.

  "I am greatly surprised by such a question," said the Cashier; "it
sounds as if you suspected me of selfishness.  Gentlemen, I applied
that money to the purpose for which I took it; I paid it as an
initiation fee and one year's dues in advance to the Treasurer of
the Cashiers' Mutual Defence Association."

  "What is the object of that organisation?" the Directors inquired.

  "When any one of its members is under suspicion," replied the
Cashier, "the Association undertakes to clear his character by
submitting evidence that he was never a prominent member of any
church, nor foremost in Sunday-school work."

  Recognising the value to the bank of a spotless reputation for its
officers, the President drew his check for the amount of the
shortage and the Cashier was restored to favour.

0127 - The Nightside of Character

  A GIFTED and Honourable Editor, who by practice of his profession
had acquired wealth and distinction, applied to an Old Friend for
the hand of his daughter in marriage.

  "With all my heart, and God bless you!" said the Old Friend,
grasping him by both hands.  "It is a greater honour than I had
dared to hope for."

  "I knew what your answer would be," replied the Gifted and
Honourable Editor.  "And yet," he added, with a sly smile, "I feel
that I ought to give you as much knowledge of my character as I
possess.  In this scrap-book is such testimony relating to my shady
side, as I have within the past ten years been able to cut from the
columns of my competitors in the business of elevating humanity to
a higher plane of mind and morals - my 'loathsome contemporaries.'"

  Laying the book on a table, he withdrew in high spirits to make
arrangements for the wedding.  Three days later he received the
scrap-book from a messenger, with a note warning him never again to
darken his Old Friend's door.

  "See!" the Gifted and Honourable Editor exclaimed, pointing to that
injunction - "I am a painter and grainer!"

  And he was led away to the Asylum for the Indiscreet.

0126 - A Treaty of Peace

  THROUGH massacres of each other's citizens China and the United
States had been four times plunged into devastating wars, when, in
the year 1994, arose a Philosopher in Madagascar, who laid before
the Governments of the two distracted countries the following MODUS
VIVENDI:

  "Massacres are to be sternly forbidden as heretofore; but any
citizen or subject of either country disobeying the injunction is
to detach the scalps of all persons massacred and deposit them with
a local officer designated to receive and preserve them and sworn
to keep and render a true account thereof.  At the conclusion of
each massacre in either country, or as soon thereafter as
practicable, or at stated regular periods, as may be provided by
treaty, there shall be an exchange of scalps between the two
Governments, scalp for scalp, without regard to sex or age; the
Government having the greatest number is to be taxed on the excess
at the rate of $1000 a scalp, and the other Government credited
with the amount.  Once in every decade there shall be a general
settlement, when the balance due shall be paid to the creditor
nation in Mexican dollars."

  The plan was adopted, the necessary treaty made, with legislation
to carry out its provisions; the Madagascarene Philosopher took his
seat in the Temple of Immortality, and Peace spread her white wings
over the two nations, to the unspeakable defiling of her plumage.

0109-The Crew of the Life-boat

The Crew of the Life-boat


  THE Gallant Crew at a life-saving station were about to launch 
their life-boat for a spin along the coast when they discovered, 
but a little distance away, a capsized vessel with a dozen men 
clinging to her keel.

  "We are fortunate," said the Gallant Crew, "to have seen that in 
time.  Our fate might have been the same as theirs."

  So they hauled the life-boat back into its house, and were spared 
to the service of their country.

0108-A Prophet of Evil

A Prophet of Evil


  AN Undertaker Who Was a Member of a Trust saw a Man Leaning on a 
Spade, and asked him why he was not at work.

  "Because," said the Man Leaning on a Spade, "I belong to the 
Gravediggers' National Extortion Society, and we have decided to 
limit the production of graves and get more money for the reduced 
output.  We have a corner in graves and propose to work it to the 
best advantage."

  "My friend," said the Undertaker Who Was a Member of a Trust, "this 
is a most hateful and injurious scheme.  If people cannot be 
assured of graves, I fear they will no longer die, and the best 
interests of civilisation will wither like a frosted leaf."

  And blowing his eyes upon his handkerchief, he walked away 
lamenting.

0107- The Tail of the Sphinx

 The Tail of the Sphinx


  A DOG of a taciturn disposition said to his Tail:

  "Whenever I am angry, you rise and bristle; when I am pleased, you 
wag; when I am alarmed, you tuck yourself in out of danger.  You 
are too mercurial - you disclose all my emotions.  My notion is 
that tails are given to conceal thought.  It is my dearest ambition 
to be as impassive as the Sphinx."

  "My friend, you must recognise the laws and limitations of your 
being," replied the Tail, with flexions appropriate to the 
sentiments uttered, "and try to be great some other way.  The 
Sphinx has one hundred and fifty qualifications for impassiveness 
which you lack."

  "What are they?" the Dog asked.

  "One hundred and forty-nine tons of sand on her tail."

  "And - ?"

  "A stone tail."

0106-The Penitent Elector

The Penitent Elector


  A PERSON belonging to the Society for Passing Resolutions of 
Respect for the Memory of Deceased Members having died received the 
customary attention.

  "Good Heavens!" exclaimed a Sovereign Elector, on hearing the 
resolutions read, "what a loss to the nation!  And to think that I 
once voted against that angel for Inspector of Gate-latches in 
Public Squares!"

  In remorse the Sovereign Elector deprived himself of political 
influence by learning to read.

0105-Religions of Error

Religions of Error


  HEARING a sound of strife, a Christian in the Orient asked his 
Dragoman the cause of it.

  "The Buddhists are cutting Mohammedan throats," the Dragoman 
replied, with oriental composure.

  "I did not know," remarked the Christian, with scientific interest, 
"that that would make so much noise."

  "The Mohammedans are cutting Buddhist throats, too," added the 
Dragoman.

  "It is astonishing," mused the Christian, "how violent and how 
general are religious animosities.  Everywhere in the world the 
devotees of each local faith abhor the devotees of every other, and 
abstain from murder only so long as they dare not commit it.  And 
the strangest thing about it is that all religions are erroneous 
and mischievous excepting mine.  Mine, thank God, is true and 
benign."

  So saying he visibly smugged and went off to telegraph for a 
brigade of cutthroats to protect Christian interests.

0102-The Austere Governor

The Austere Governor


  A GOVERNOR visiting a State prison was implored by a Convict to 
pardon him.

  "What are you in for?" asked the Governor.

  "I held a high office," the Convict humbly replied, "and sold 
subordinate appointments."

  "Then I decline to interfere," said the Governor, with asperity; "a 
man who abuses his office by making it serve a private end and 
purvey a personal advantage is unfit to be free.  By the way, Mr. 
Warden," he added to that official, as the Convict slunk away, "in 
appointing you to this position, I was given to understand that 
your friends could make the Shikane county delegation to the next 
State convention solid for - for the present Administration.  Was I 
rightly informed?"

  "You were, sir."

  "Very well, then, I will bid you good-day.  Please be so good as to 
appoint my nephew Night Chaplain and Reminder of Mothers and 
Sisters."