1219- The Overlooked Factor

 The Overlooked Factor


  A MAN that owned a fine Dog, and by a careful selection of its mate 
had bred a number of animals but a little lower than the angels, 
fell in love with his washerwoman, married her, and reared a family 
of dolts.

  "Alas!" he exclaimed, contemplating the melancholy result, "had I 
but chosen a mate for myself with half the care that I did for my 
Dog I should now be a proud and happy father."

  "I'm not so sure of that," said the Dog, overhearing the lament.  
"There's a difference, certainly, between your whelps and mine, but 
I venture to flatter myself that it is not due altogether to the 
mothers.  You and I are not entirely alike ourselves."

1218- Physicians Two

 Physicians Two


  A WICKED Old Man finding himself ill sent for a Physician, who 
prescribed for him and went away.  Then the Wicked Old Man sent for 
another Physician, saying nothing of the first, and an entirely 
different treatment was ordered.  This continued for some weeks, 
the physicians visiting him on alternate days and treating him for 
two different disorders, with constantly enlarging doses of 
medicine and more and more rigorous nursing.  But one day they 
accidently met at his bedside while he slept, and the truth coming 
out a violent quarrel ensued.

  "My good friends," said the patient, awakened by the noise of the 
dispute, and apprehending the cause of it, "pray be more 
reasonable.  If I could for weeks endure you both, can you not for 
a little while endure each other?  I have been well for ten days, 
but have remained in bed in the hope of gaining by repose the 
strength that would justify me in taking your medicines.  So far I 
have touched none of it."

1217 - The All Dog / The Farmer's Friend

[first story]
 The All Dog


  A LION seeing a Poodle fell into laughter at the ridiculous
spectacle.

  "Who ever saw so small a beast?" he said.

  "It is very true," said the Poodle, with austere dignity, "that I
am small; but, sir, I beg to observe that I am all dog."





[second story]

  The Farmer's Friend


  A GREAT Philanthropist who had thought of himself in connection
with the Presidency and had introduced a bill into Congress
requiring the Government to loan every voter all the money that he
needed, on his personal security, was explaining to a Sunday-school
at a railway station how much he had done for the country, when an
angel looked down from Heaven and wept.

  "For example," said the Great Philanthropist, watching the
teardrops pattering in the dust, "these early rains are of
incalculable advantage to the farmer."

1216 (was: 1215)

[first stoyr]

 Two in Trouble


  MEETING a fat and patriotic Statesman on his way to Washington to 
beseech the President for an office, an idle Tramp accosted him and 
begged twenty-five cents with which to buy a suit of clothes.

  "Melancholy wreck," said the Statesman, "what brought you to this 
state of degradation?  Liquor, I suppose."

  "I am temperate to the verge of absurdity," replied the Tramp.  "My 
foible was patriotism; I was ruined by the baneful habit of trying 
to serve my country.  What ruined you?"

  "Indolence."

[second story]

 The Witch's Steed


  A BROOMSTICK which had long served a witch as a steed complained of 
the nature of its employment, which it thought degrading.

  "Very well," said the Witch, "I will give you work in which you 
will be associated with intellect - you will come in contact with 
brains.  I shall present you to a housewife."

  "What!" said the Broomstick, "do you consider the hands of a 
housewife intellectual?"

  "I referred," said the Witch, "to the head of her good man."

1212 / 1215

[first story]

 Alarm and Pride


  "GOOD-MORNING, my friend," said Alarm to Pride; "how are you this 
morning?"

  "Very tired," replied Pride, seating himself on a stone by the 
wayside and mopping his steaming brow.  "The politicians are 
wearing me out by pointing to their dirty records with ME, when 
they could as well use a stick."

  Alarm sighed sympathetically, and said:

  "It is pretty much the same way here.  Instead of using an opera-
glass they view the acts of their opponents with ME!"

  As these patient drudges were mingling their tears, they were 
notified that they must go on duty again, for one of the political 
parties had nominated a thief and was about to hold a gratification 
meeting.

[second story]

 A Causeway


  A RICH Woman having returned from abroad disembarked at the foot of 
Knee-deep Street, and was about to walk to her hotel through the 
mud.

  "Madam," said a Policeman, "I cannot permit you to do that; you 
would soil your shoes and stockings."

  "Oh, that is of no importance, really," replied the Rich Woman, 
with a cheerful smile.

  "But, madam, it is needless; from the wharf to the hotel, as you 
observe, extends an unbroken line of prostrate newspaper men who 
crave the honour of having you walk upon them."

  "In that case," she said, seating herself in a doorway and 
unlocking her satchel, "I shall have to put on my rubber boots."

1211

[first story]

 The Sagacious Rat


  A RAT that was about to emerge from his hole caught a glimpse of a 
Cat waiting for him, and descending to the colony at the bottom of 
the hole invited a Friend to join him in a visit to a neighbouring 
corn-bin.  "I would have gone alone," he said, "but could not deny 
myself the pleasure of such distinguished company."

  "Very well," said the Friend, "I will go with you.  Lead on."

  "Lead?" exclaimed the other.  "What!  I precede so great and 
illustrious a rat as you? No, indeed - after you, sir, after you."
 
  Pleased with this great show of deference, the Friend went ahead, 
and, leaving the hole first, was caught by the Cat, who immediately 
trotted away with him.  The other then went out unmolested.

[second story]

 The Member and the Soap


  A MEMBER of the Kansas Legislature meeting a Cake of Soap was 
passing it by without recognition, but the Cake of Soap insisted on 
stopping and shaking hands.  Thinking it might possibly be in the 
enjoyment of the elective franchise, he gave it a cordial and 
earnest grasp.  On letting it go he observed that a portion of it 
adhered to his fingers, and running to a brook in great alarm he 
proceeded to wash it off.  In doing so he necessarily got some on 
the other hand, and when he had finished washing, both were so 
white that he went to bed and sent for a physician.

1210-The Bumbo of Jiam

The Bumbo of Jiam


  THE Pahdour of Patagascar and the Gookul of Madagonia were 
disputing about an island which both claimed.  Finally, at the 
suggestion of the International League of Cannon Founders, which 
had important branches in both countries, they decided to refer 
their claims to the Bumbo of Jiam, and abide by his judgment.  In 
settling the preliminaries of the arbitration they had, however, 
the misfortune to disagree, and appealed to arms.  At the end of a 
long and disastrous war, when both sides were exhausted and 
bankrupt, the Bumbo of Jiam intervened in the interest of peace.

  "My great and good friends," he said to his brother sovereigns, "it 
will be advantageous to you to learn that some questions are more 
complex and perilous than others, presenting a greater number of 
points upon which it is possible to differ.  For four generations 
your royal predecessors disputed about possession of that island, 
without falling out.  Beware, oh, beware the perils of 
international arbitration! - against which I feel it my duty to 
protect you henceforth."

  So saying, he annexed both countries, and after a long, peaceful, 
and happy reign was poisoned by his Prime Minister.