0109-The Crew of the Life-boat

The Crew of the Life-boat


  THE Gallant Crew at a life-saving station were about to launch 
their life-boat for a spin along the coast when they discovered, 
but a little distance away, a capsized vessel with a dozen men 
clinging to her keel.

  "We are fortunate," said the Gallant Crew, "to have seen that in 
time.  Our fate might have been the same as theirs."

  So they hauled the life-boat back into its house, and were spared 
to the service of their country.

0108-A Prophet of Evil

A Prophet of Evil


  AN Undertaker Who Was a Member of a Trust saw a Man Leaning on a 
Spade, and asked him why he was not at work.

  "Because," said the Man Leaning on a Spade, "I belong to the 
Gravediggers' National Extortion Society, and we have decided to 
limit the production of graves and get more money for the reduced 
output.  We have a corner in graves and propose to work it to the 
best advantage."

  "My friend," said the Undertaker Who Was a Member of a Trust, "this 
is a most hateful and injurious scheme.  If people cannot be 
assured of graves, I fear they will no longer die, and the best 
interests of civilisation will wither like a frosted leaf."

  And blowing his eyes upon his handkerchief, he walked away 
lamenting.

0107- The Tail of the Sphinx

 The Tail of the Sphinx


  A DOG of a taciturn disposition said to his Tail:

  "Whenever I am angry, you rise and bristle; when I am pleased, you 
wag; when I am alarmed, you tuck yourself in out of danger.  You 
are too mercurial - you disclose all my emotions.  My notion is 
that tails are given to conceal thought.  It is my dearest ambition 
to be as impassive as the Sphinx."

  "My friend, you must recognise the laws and limitations of your 
being," replied the Tail, with flexions appropriate to the 
sentiments uttered, "and try to be great some other way.  The 
Sphinx has one hundred and fifty qualifications for impassiveness 
which you lack."

  "What are they?" the Dog asked.

  "One hundred and forty-nine tons of sand on her tail."

  "And - ?"

  "A stone tail."

0106-The Penitent Elector

The Penitent Elector


  A PERSON belonging to the Society for Passing Resolutions of 
Respect for the Memory of Deceased Members having died received the 
customary attention.

  "Good Heavens!" exclaimed a Sovereign Elector, on hearing the 
resolutions read, "what a loss to the nation!  And to think that I 
once voted against that angel for Inspector of Gate-latches in 
Public Squares!"

  In remorse the Sovereign Elector deprived himself of political 
influence by learning to read.

0105-Religions of Error

Religions of Error


  HEARING a sound of strife, a Christian in the Orient asked his 
Dragoman the cause of it.

  "The Buddhists are cutting Mohammedan throats," the Dragoman 
replied, with oriental composure.

  "I did not know," remarked the Christian, with scientific interest, 
"that that would make so much noise."

  "The Mohammedans are cutting Buddhist throats, too," added the 
Dragoman.

  "It is astonishing," mused the Christian, "how violent and how 
general are religious animosities.  Everywhere in the world the 
devotees of each local faith abhor the devotees of every other, and 
abstain from murder only so long as they dare not commit it.  And 
the strangest thing about it is that all religions are erroneous 
and mischievous excepting mine.  Mine, thank God, is true and 
benign."

  So saying he visibly smugged and went off to telegraph for a 
brigade of cutthroats to protect Christian interests.

0102-The Austere Governor

The Austere Governor


  A GOVERNOR visiting a State prison was implored by a Convict to 
pardon him.

  "What are you in for?" asked the Governor.

  "I held a high office," the Convict humbly replied, "and sold 
subordinate appointments."

  "Then I decline to interfere," said the Governor, with asperity; "a 
man who abuses his office by making it serve a private end and 
purvey a personal advantage is unfit to be free.  By the way, Mr. 
Warden," he added to that official, as the Convict slunk away, "in 
appointing you to this position, I was given to understand that 
your friends could make the Shikane county delegation to the next 
State convention solid for - for the present Administration.  Was I 
rightly informed?"

  "You were, sir."

  "Very well, then, I will bid you good-day.  Please be so good as to 
appoint my nephew Night Chaplain and Reminder of Mothers and 
Sisters."

1231-The Compassionate Physician / Two of the Damned

The Compassionate Physician


  A KIND-HEARTED Physician sitting at the bedside of a patient 
afflicted with an incurable and painful disease, heard a noise 
behind him, and turning saw a cat laughing at the feeble efforts of 
a wounded mouse to drag itself out of the room.

  "You cruel beast!" cried he.  "Why don't you kill it at once, like 
a lady?"

  Rising, he kicked the cat out of the door, and picking up the mouse 
compassionately put it out of its misery by pulling off its head.  
Recalled to the bedside by the moans of his patient, the Kind-
hearted Physician administered a stimulant, a tonic, and a 
nutrient, and went away.

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 Two of the Damned


  TWO Blighted Beings, haggard, lachrymose, and detested, met on a 
blasted heath in the light of a struggling moon.

  "I wish you a merry Christmas," said the First Blighted Being, in a 
voice like that of a singing tomb.

  "And I you a happy New Year," responded the Second Blighted Being, 
with the accent of a penitent accordeon.

  They then fell upon each other's neck and wept scalding rills down 
each other's spine in token of their banishment to the Realm of 
Ineffable Bosh.  For one of these accursed creatures was the First 
of January, and the other the Twenty-fifth of December.