1210-The Bumbo of Jiam

The Bumbo of Jiam


  THE Pahdour of Patagascar and the Gookul of Madagonia were 
disputing about an island which both claimed.  Finally, at the 
suggestion of the International League of Cannon Founders, which 
had important branches in both countries, they decided to refer 
their claims to the Bumbo of Jiam, and abide by his judgment.  In 
settling the preliminaries of the arbitration they had, however, 
the misfortune to disagree, and appealed to arms.  At the end of a 
long and disastrous war, when both sides were exhausted and 
bankrupt, the Bumbo of Jiam intervened in the interest of peace.

  "My great and good friends," he said to his brother sovereigns, "it 
will be advantageous to you to learn that some questions are more 
complex and perilous than others, presenting a greater number of 
points upon which it is possible to differ.  For four generations 
your royal predecessors disputed about possession of that island, 
without falling out.  Beware, oh, beware the perils of 
international arbitration! - against which I feel it my duty to 
protect you henceforth."

  So saying, he annexed both countries, and after a long, peaceful, 
and happy reign was poisoned by his Prime Minister.

1208- The Pavior / The Two Poets

[first story]

 The Pavior


  AN Author saw a Labourer hammering stones into the pavement of a 
street, and approaching him said:

  "My friend, you seem weary.  Ambition is a hard taskmaster."

  "I'm working for Mr. Jones, sir," the Labourer replied.

  "Well, cheer up," the Author resumed; "fame comes at the most 
unexpected times.  To-day you are poor, obscure, and disheartened, 
and to-morrow the world may be ringing with your name."

  "What are you giving me?" the Labourer said.  "Cannot an honest 
pavior perform his work in peace, and get his money for it, and his 
living by it, without others talking rot about ambition and hopes 
of fame?"

  "Cannot an honest writer?" said the Author.

[second story]

The Two Poets


  Two Poets were quarrelling for the Apple of Discord and the Bone of 
Contention, for they were very hungry.

  "My sons," said Apollo, "I will part the prizes between you.  You," 
he said to the First Poet, "excel in Art - take the Apple.  And 
you," he said to the Second Poet, "in Imagination - take the Bone."

  "To Art the best prize!" said the First Poet, triumphantly, and 
endeavouring to devour his award broke all his teeth.  The Apple 
was a work of Art.

  "That shows our Master's contempt for mere Art," said the Second 
Poet, grinning.

  Thereupon he attempted to gnaw his Bone, but his teeth passed 
through it without resistance.  It was an imaginary Bone.

1205-The Australian Grasshopper

The Australian Grasshopper


  A DISTINGUISHED Naturalist was travelling in Australia, when he saw 
a Kangaroo in session and flung a stone at it.  The Kangaroo 
immediately adjourned, tracing against the sunset sky a parabolic 
curve spanning seven provinces, and evanished below the horizon.  
The Distinguished Naturalist looked interested, but said nothing 
for an hour; then he said to his native Guide:

  "You have pretty wide meadows here, I suppose?"

  "No, not very wide," the Guide answered; "about the same as in 
England and America."

  After another long silence the Distinguished Naturalist said:

  "The hay which we shall purchase for our horses this evening - I 
shall expect to find the stalks about fifty feet long.  Am I 
right?"

  "Why, no," said the Guide; "a foot or two is about the usual length 
of our hay.  What can you be thinking of?"

  The Distinguished Naturalist made no immediate reply, but later, as 
in the shades of night they journeyed through the desolate vastness 
of the Great Lone Land, he broke the silence:

  "I was thinking," he said, "of the uncommon magnitude of that 
grass-hopper."

1202-1203- The Life-Savers / The Opossum of the Future

[first story]
The Life-Savers

SEVENTY-FIVE Men presented themselves before the President of the
Humane Society and demanded the great gold medal for life-saving.
"Why, yes," said the President; "by diligent effort so many men
must have saved a considerable number of lives. How many did you
save?"
"Seventy-five, sir," replied their Spokesman.
"Ah, yes, that is one each - very good work - very good work,
indeed," the President said. "You shall not only have the
Society's great gold medal, but its recommendation for employment
at the various life-boat stations along the coast. But how did you
save so many lives?"
The Spokesman of the Men replied:
"We are officers of the law, and have just returned from the
pursuit of two murderous outlaws."



[second story]
The Opossum of the Future

ONE day an Opossum who had gone to sleep hanging from the highest
branch of a tree by the tail, awoke and saw a large Snake wound
about the limb, between him and the trunk of the tree.
"If I hold on," he said to himself, "I shall be swallowed; if I let
go I shall break my neck."
But suddenly he bethought himself to dissemble.
"My perfected friend," he said, "my parental instinct recognises in
you a noble evidence and illustration of the theory of development.
You are the Opossum of the Future, the ultimate Fittest Survivor of
our species, the ripe result of progressive prehensility - all
tail!"
But the Snake, proud of his ancient eminence in Scriptural history,
was strictly orthodox, and did not accept the scientific view.

1201-The Ashes of Madame Blavatsky

The Ashes of Madame Blavatsky


  THE two brightest lights of Theosophy being in the same place at 
once in company with the Ashes of Madame Blavatsky, an Inquiring 
Soul thought the time propitious to learn something worth while.  
So he sat at the feet of one awhile, and then he sat awhile at the 
feet of the other, and at last he applied his ear to the keyhole of 
the casket containing the Ashes of Madame Blavatsky.  When the 
Inquiring Soul had completed his course of instruction he declared 
himself the Ahkoond of Swat, fell into the baleful habit of 
standing on his head, and swore that the mother who bore him was a 
pragmatic paralogism.  Wherefore he was held in high reverence, and 
when the two other gentlemen were hanged for lying the Theosophists 
elected him to the leadership of their Disastral Body, and after a 
quiet life and an honourable death by the kick of a jackass he was 
reincarnated as a Yellow Dog.  As such he ate the Ashes of Madame 
Blavatsky, and Theosophy was no more.

1128- An Invitation

  An Invitation


  A PIOUS Person who had overcharged his paunch with dead bird by way 
of attesting his gratitude for escaping the many calamities which 
Heaven had sent upon others, fell asleep at table and dreamed.  He 
thought he lived in a country where turkeys were the ruling class, 
and every year they held a feast to manifest their sense of 
Heaven's goodness in sparing their lives to kill them later.  One 
day, about a week before one of these feasts, he met the Supreme 
Gobbler, who said:

  "You will please get yourself into good condition for the 
Thanksgiving dinner."

  "Yes, your Excellency," replied the Pious Person, delighted, "I 
shall come hungry, I assure you.  It is no small privilege to dine 
with your Excellency."

  The Supreme Gobbler eyed him for a moment in silence; then he said:

  "As one of the lower domestic animals, you cannot be expected to 
know much, but you might know something.  Since you do not, you 
will permit me to point out that being asked to dinner is one 
thing; being asked to dine is another and a different thing."

  With this significant remark the Supreme Gobbler left him, and 
thenceforward the Pious Person dreamed of himself as white meat and 
dark until rudely awakened by decapitation.

1127-The Unchanged Diplomatist

The Unchanged Diplomatist


  THE republic of Madagonia had been long and well represented at the 
court of the King of Patagascar by an officer called a Dazie, but 
one day the Madagonian Parliament conferred upon him the superior 
rank of Dandee.  The next day after being apprised of his new 
dignity he hastened to inform the King of Patagascar.

  "Ah, yes, I understand," said the King; "you have been promoted and 
given increased pay and allowances.  There was an appropriation?"

  "Yes, your Majesty."

  "And you have now two heads, have you not?"

  "Oh, no, your Majesty - only one, I assure you."

  "Indeed?  And how many legs and arms?"

  "Two of each, Sire - only two of each."

  "And only one body?"

  "Just a single body, as you perceive."

  Thoughtfully removing his crown and scratching the royal head, the 
monarch was silent a moment, and then he said:

  "I fancy that appropriation has been misapplied.  You seem to be 
about the same kind of idiot that you were before."