1231-The Compassionate Physician / Two of the Damned

The Compassionate Physician


  A KIND-HEARTED Physician sitting at the bedside of a patient 
afflicted with an incurable and painful disease, heard a noise 
behind him, and turning saw a cat laughing at the feeble efforts of 
a wounded mouse to drag itself out of the room.

  "You cruel beast!" cried he.  "Why don't you kill it at once, like 
a lady?"

  Rising, he kicked the cat out of the door, and picking up the mouse 
compassionately put it out of its misery by pulling off its head.  
Recalled to the bedside by the moans of his patient, the Kind-
hearted Physician administered a stimulant, a tonic, and a 
nutrient, and went away.

==========================================

 Two of the Damned


  TWO Blighted Beings, haggard, lachrymose, and detested, met on a 
blasted heath in the light of a struggling moon.

  "I wish you a merry Christmas," said the First Blighted Being, in a 
voice like that of a singing tomb.

  "And I you a happy New Year," responded the Second Blighted Being, 
with the accent of a penitent accordeon.

  They then fell upon each other's neck and wept scalding rills down 
each other's spine in token of their banishment to the Realm of 
Ineffable Bosh.  For one of these accursed creatures was the First 
of January, and the other the Twenty-fifth of December.

The Returned Californian


  A MAN was hanged by the neck until he was dead.

  "Whence do you come?" Saint Peter asked when the Man presented 
himself at the gate of Heaven.

  "From California," replied the applicant.

  "Enter, my son, enter; you bring joyous tidings."

  When the Man had vanished inside, Saint Peter took his memorandum-
tablet and made the following entry:

  "February 16, 1893.  California occupied by the Christians."

1226- A Matter of Method / The Man of Principle

[First Story]

 A Matter of Method


  A PHILOSOPHER seeing a Fool beating his Donkey, said:

  "Abstain, my son, abstain, I implore.  Those who resort to violence 
shall suffer from violence."

  "That," said the Fool, diligently belabouring the animal, "is what 
I'm trying to teach this beast - which has kicked me."

  "Doubtless," said the Philosopher to himself, as he walked away, 
"the wisdom of fools is no deeper nor truer than ours, but they 
really do seem to have a more impressive way of imparting it."

[Second Story]

 The Man of Principle


  DURING a shower of rain the Keeper of a Zoological garden observed 
a Man of Principle crouching beneath the belly of the ostrich, 
which had drawn itself up to its full height to sleep.

  "Why, my dear sir," said the Keeper, "if you fear to get wet, you'd 
better creep into the pouch of yonder female kangaroo - the 
SALTARIX MACKINTOSHA - for if that ostrich wakes he will kick you 
to death in a minute."

  "I can't help that," the Man of Principle replied, with that lofty 
scorn of practical considerations distinguishing his species.  "He 
may kick me to death if he wish, but until he does he shall give me 
shelter from the storm.  He has swallowed my umbrella."

1224- The Kangaroo and the Zebra

 The Kangaroo and the Zebra


  A KANGAROO hopping awkwardly along with some bulky object concealed
in her pouch met a Zebra, and desirous of keeping his attention
upon himself, said:

  "Your costume looks as if you might have come out of the
penitentiary."

  "Appearances are deceitful," replied the Zebra, smiling in the
consciousness of a more insupportable wit, "or I should have to
think that you had come out of the Legislature."

1223-A Racial Parallel / The Kangaroo and the Zebra

[first story]
A Racial Parallel


  SOME White Christians engaged in driving Chinese Heathens out of an
American town found a newspaper published in Peking in the Chinese
tongue, and compelled one of their victims to translate an
editorial.  It turned out to be an appeal to the people of the
Province of Pang Ki to drive the foreign devils out of the country
and burn their dwellings and churches.  At this evidence of
Mongolian barbarity the White Christians were so greatly incensed
that they carried out their original design.



[second story]

 The Kangaroo and the Zebra


  A KANGAROO hopping awkwardly along with some bulky object concealed
in her pouch met a Zebra, and desirous of keeping his attention
upon himself, said:

  "Your costume looks as if you might have come out of the
penitentiary."

  "Appearances are deceitful," replied the Zebra, smiling in the
consciousness of a more insupportable wit, "or I should have to
think that you had come out of the Legislature."

1222- The Honest Cadi

 The Honest Cadi


  A ROBBER who had plundered a Merchant of one thousand pieces of 
gold was taken before the Cadi, who asked him if he had anything to 
say why he should not be decapitated.

  "Your Honour," said the Robber, "I could do no otherwise than take 
the money, for Allah made me that way."

  "Your defence is ingenious and sound," said the Cadi, "and I must 
acquit you of criminality.  Unfortunately, Allah has made me so 
that I must also take off your head - unless," he added, 
thoughtfully, "you offer me half of the gold; for He made me weak 
under temptation."

  Thereupon the Robber put five hundred pieces of gold into the 
Cadi's hand.

  "Good," said the Cadi.  "I shall now remove but one half your head.  
To show my trust in your discretion I shall leave intact the half 
you talk with."

1219- The Overlooked Factor

 The Overlooked Factor


  A MAN that owned a fine Dog, and by a careful selection of its mate 
had bred a number of animals but a little lower than the angels, 
fell in love with his washerwoman, married her, and reared a family 
of dolts.

  "Alas!" he exclaimed, contemplating the melancholy result, "had I 
but chosen a mate for myself with half the care that I did for my 
Dog I should now be a proud and happy father."

  "I'm not so sure of that," said the Dog, overhearing the lament.  
"There's a difference, certainly, between your whelps and mine, but 
I venture to flatter myself that it is not due altogether to the 
mothers.  You and I are not entirely alike ourselves."

1218- Physicians Two

 Physicians Two


  A WICKED Old Man finding himself ill sent for a Physician, who 
prescribed for him and went away.  Then the Wicked Old Man sent for 
another Physician, saying nothing of the first, and an entirely 
different treatment was ordered.  This continued for some weeks, 
the physicians visiting him on alternate days and treating him for 
two different disorders, with constantly enlarging doses of 
medicine and more and more rigorous nursing.  But one day they 
accidently met at his bedside while he slept, and the truth coming 
out a violent quarrel ensued.

  "My good friends," said the patient, awakened by the noise of the 
dispute, and apprehending the cause of it, "pray be more 
reasonable.  If I could for weeks endure you both, can you not for 
a little while endure each other?  I have been well for ten days, 
but have remained in bed in the hope of gaining by repose the 
strength that would justify me in taking your medicines.  So far I 
have touched none of it."

1217 - The All Dog / The Farmer's Friend

[first story]
 The All Dog


  A LION seeing a Poodle fell into laughter at the ridiculous
spectacle.

  "Who ever saw so small a beast?" he said.

  "It is very true," said the Poodle, with austere dignity, "that I
am small; but, sir, I beg to observe that I am all dog."





[second story]

  The Farmer's Friend


  A GREAT Philanthropist who had thought of himself in connection
with the Presidency and had introduced a bill into Congress
requiring the Government to loan every voter all the money that he
needed, on his personal security, was explaining to a Sunday-school
at a railway station how much he had done for the country, when an
angel looked down from Heaven and wept.

  "For example," said the Great Philanthropist, watching the
teardrops pattering in the dust, "these early rains are of
incalculable advantage to the farmer."

1216 (was: 1215)

[first stoyr]

 Two in Trouble


  MEETING a fat and patriotic Statesman on his way to Washington to 
beseech the President for an office, an idle Tramp accosted him and 
begged twenty-five cents with which to buy a suit of clothes.

  "Melancholy wreck," said the Statesman, "what brought you to this 
state of degradation?  Liquor, I suppose."

  "I am temperate to the verge of absurdity," replied the Tramp.  "My 
foible was patriotism; I was ruined by the baneful habit of trying 
to serve my country.  What ruined you?"

  "Indolence."

[second story]

 The Witch's Steed


  A BROOMSTICK which had long served a witch as a steed complained of 
the nature of its employment, which it thought degrading.

  "Very well," said the Witch, "I will give you work in which you 
will be associated with intellect - you will come in contact with 
brains.  I shall present you to a housewife."

  "What!" said the Broomstick, "do you consider the hands of a 
housewife intellectual?"

  "I referred," said the Witch, "to the head of her good man."

1212 / 1215

[first story]

 Alarm and Pride


  "GOOD-MORNING, my friend," said Alarm to Pride; "how are you this 
morning?"

  "Very tired," replied Pride, seating himself on a stone by the 
wayside and mopping his steaming brow.  "The politicians are 
wearing me out by pointing to their dirty records with ME, when 
they could as well use a stick."

  Alarm sighed sympathetically, and said:

  "It is pretty much the same way here.  Instead of using an opera-
glass they view the acts of their opponents with ME!"

  As these patient drudges were mingling their tears, they were 
notified that they must go on duty again, for one of the political 
parties had nominated a thief and was about to hold a gratification 
meeting.

[second story]

 A Causeway


  A RICH Woman having returned from abroad disembarked at the foot of 
Knee-deep Street, and was about to walk to her hotel through the 
mud.

  "Madam," said a Policeman, "I cannot permit you to do that; you 
would soil your shoes and stockings."

  "Oh, that is of no importance, really," replied the Rich Woman, 
with a cheerful smile.

  "But, madam, it is needless; from the wharf to the hotel, as you 
observe, extends an unbroken line of prostrate newspaper men who 
crave the honour of having you walk upon them."

  "In that case," she said, seating herself in a doorway and 
unlocking her satchel, "I shall have to put on my rubber boots."

1211

[first story]

 The Sagacious Rat


  A RAT that was about to emerge from his hole caught a glimpse of a 
Cat waiting for him, and descending to the colony at the bottom of 
the hole invited a Friend to join him in a visit to a neighbouring 
corn-bin.  "I would have gone alone," he said, "but could not deny 
myself the pleasure of such distinguished company."

  "Very well," said the Friend, "I will go with you.  Lead on."

  "Lead?" exclaimed the other.  "What!  I precede so great and 
illustrious a rat as you? No, indeed - after you, sir, after you."
 
  Pleased with this great show of deference, the Friend went ahead, 
and, leaving the hole first, was caught by the Cat, who immediately 
trotted away with him.  The other then went out unmolested.

[second story]

 The Member and the Soap


  A MEMBER of the Kansas Legislature meeting a Cake of Soap was 
passing it by without recognition, but the Cake of Soap insisted on 
stopping and shaking hands.  Thinking it might possibly be in the 
enjoyment of the elective franchise, he gave it a cordial and 
earnest grasp.  On letting it go he observed that a portion of it 
adhered to his fingers, and running to a brook in great alarm he 
proceeded to wash it off.  In doing so he necessarily got some on 
the other hand, and when he had finished washing, both were so 
white that he went to bed and sent for a physician.