0102-The Austere Governor

The Austere Governor


  A GOVERNOR visiting a State prison was implored by a Convict to 
pardon him.

  "What are you in for?" asked the Governor.

  "I held a high office," the Convict humbly replied, "and sold 
subordinate appointments."

  "Then I decline to interfere," said the Governor, with asperity; "a 
man who abuses his office by making it serve a private end and 
purvey a personal advantage is unfit to be free.  By the way, Mr. 
Warden," he added to that official, as the Convict slunk away, "in 
appointing you to this position, I was given to understand that 
your friends could make the Shikane county delegation to the next 
State convention solid for - for the present Administration.  Was I 
rightly informed?"

  "You were, sir."

  "Very well, then, I will bid you good-day.  Please be so good as to 
appoint my nephew Night Chaplain and Reminder of Mothers and 
Sisters."

1231-The Compassionate Physician / Two of the Damned

The Compassionate Physician


  A KIND-HEARTED Physician sitting at the bedside of a patient 
afflicted with an incurable and painful disease, heard a noise 
behind him, and turning saw a cat laughing at the feeble efforts of 
a wounded mouse to drag itself out of the room.

  "You cruel beast!" cried he.  "Why don't you kill it at once, like 
a lady?"

  Rising, he kicked the cat out of the door, and picking up the mouse 
compassionately put it out of its misery by pulling off its head.  
Recalled to the bedside by the moans of his patient, the Kind-
hearted Physician administered a stimulant, a tonic, and a 
nutrient, and went away.

==========================================

 Two of the Damned


  TWO Blighted Beings, haggard, lachrymose, and detested, met on a 
blasted heath in the light of a struggling moon.

  "I wish you a merry Christmas," said the First Blighted Being, in a 
voice like that of a singing tomb.

  "And I you a happy New Year," responded the Second Blighted Being, 
with the accent of a penitent accordeon.

  They then fell upon each other's neck and wept scalding rills down 
each other's spine in token of their banishment to the Realm of 
Ineffable Bosh.  For one of these accursed creatures was the First 
of January, and the other the Twenty-fifth of December.

The Returned Californian


  A MAN was hanged by the neck until he was dead.

  "Whence do you come?" Saint Peter asked when the Man presented 
himself at the gate of Heaven.

  "From California," replied the applicant.

  "Enter, my son, enter; you bring joyous tidings."

  When the Man had vanished inside, Saint Peter took his memorandum-
tablet and made the following entry:

  "February 16, 1893.  California occupied by the Christians."

1226- A Matter of Method / The Man of Principle

[First Story]

 A Matter of Method


  A PHILOSOPHER seeing a Fool beating his Donkey, said:

  "Abstain, my son, abstain, I implore.  Those who resort to violence 
shall suffer from violence."

  "That," said the Fool, diligently belabouring the animal, "is what 
I'm trying to teach this beast - which has kicked me."

  "Doubtless," said the Philosopher to himself, as he walked away, 
"the wisdom of fools is no deeper nor truer than ours, but they 
really do seem to have a more impressive way of imparting it."

[Second Story]

 The Man of Principle


  DURING a shower of rain the Keeper of a Zoological garden observed 
a Man of Principle crouching beneath the belly of the ostrich, 
which had drawn itself up to its full height to sleep.

  "Why, my dear sir," said the Keeper, "if you fear to get wet, you'd 
better creep into the pouch of yonder female kangaroo - the 
SALTARIX MACKINTOSHA - for if that ostrich wakes he will kick you 
to death in a minute."

  "I can't help that," the Man of Principle replied, with that lofty 
scorn of practical considerations distinguishing his species.  "He 
may kick me to death if he wish, but until he does he shall give me 
shelter from the storm.  He has swallowed my umbrella."

1224- The Kangaroo and the Zebra

 The Kangaroo and the Zebra


  A KANGAROO hopping awkwardly along with some bulky object concealed
in her pouch met a Zebra, and desirous of keeping his attention
upon himself, said:

  "Your costume looks as if you might have come out of the
penitentiary."

  "Appearances are deceitful," replied the Zebra, smiling in the
consciousness of a more insupportable wit, "or I should have to
think that you had come out of the Legislature."

1223-A Racial Parallel / The Kangaroo and the Zebra

[first story]
A Racial Parallel


  SOME White Christians engaged in driving Chinese Heathens out of an
American town found a newspaper published in Peking in the Chinese
tongue, and compelled one of their victims to translate an
editorial.  It turned out to be an appeal to the people of the
Province of Pang Ki to drive the foreign devils out of the country
and burn their dwellings and churches.  At this evidence of
Mongolian barbarity the White Christians were so greatly incensed
that they carried out their original design.



[second story]

 The Kangaroo and the Zebra


  A KANGAROO hopping awkwardly along with some bulky object concealed
in her pouch met a Zebra, and desirous of keeping his attention
upon himself, said:

  "Your costume looks as if you might have come out of the
penitentiary."

  "Appearances are deceitful," replied the Zebra, smiling in the
consciousness of a more insupportable wit, "or I should have to
think that you had come out of the Legislature."

1222- The Honest Cadi

 The Honest Cadi


  A ROBBER who had plundered a Merchant of one thousand pieces of 
gold was taken before the Cadi, who asked him if he had anything to 
say why he should not be decapitated.

  "Your Honour," said the Robber, "I could do no otherwise than take 
the money, for Allah made me that way."

  "Your defence is ingenious and sound," said the Cadi, "and I must 
acquit you of criminality.  Unfortunately, Allah has made me so 
that I must also take off your head - unless," he added, 
thoughtfully, "you offer me half of the gold; for He made me weak 
under temptation."

  Thereupon the Robber put five hundred pieces of gold into the 
Cadi's hand.

  "Good," said the Cadi.  "I shall now remove but one half your head.  
To show my trust in your discretion I shall leave intact the half 
you talk with."