1210-The Bumbo of Jiam

The Bumbo of Jiam


  THE Pahdour of Patagascar and the Gookul of Madagonia were 
disputing about an island which both claimed.  Finally, at the 
suggestion of the International League of Cannon Founders, which 
had important branches in both countries, they decided to refer 
their claims to the Bumbo of Jiam, and abide by his judgment.  In 
settling the preliminaries of the arbitration they had, however, 
the misfortune to disagree, and appealed to arms.  At the end of a 
long and disastrous war, when both sides were exhausted and 
bankrupt, the Bumbo of Jiam intervened in the interest of peace.

  "My great and good friends," he said to his brother sovereigns, "it 
will be advantageous to you to learn that some questions are more 
complex and perilous than others, presenting a greater number of 
points upon which it is possible to differ.  For four generations 
your royal predecessors disputed about possession of that island, 
without falling out.  Beware, oh, beware the perils of 
international arbitration! - against which I feel it my duty to 
protect you henceforth."

  So saying, he annexed both countries, and after a long, peaceful, 
and happy reign was poisoned by his Prime Minister.

1208- The Pavior / The Two Poets

[first story]

 The Pavior


  AN Author saw a Labourer hammering stones into the pavement of a 
street, and approaching him said:

  "My friend, you seem weary.  Ambition is a hard taskmaster."

  "I'm working for Mr. Jones, sir," the Labourer replied.

  "Well, cheer up," the Author resumed; "fame comes at the most 
unexpected times.  To-day you are poor, obscure, and disheartened, 
and to-morrow the world may be ringing with your name."

  "What are you giving me?" the Labourer said.  "Cannot an honest 
pavior perform his work in peace, and get his money for it, and his 
living by it, without others talking rot about ambition and hopes 
of fame?"

  "Cannot an honest writer?" said the Author.

[second story]

The Two Poets


  Two Poets were quarrelling for the Apple of Discord and the Bone of 
Contention, for they were very hungry.

  "My sons," said Apollo, "I will part the prizes between you.  You," 
he said to the First Poet, "excel in Art - take the Apple.  And 
you," he said to the Second Poet, "in Imagination - take the Bone."

  "To Art the best prize!" said the First Poet, triumphantly, and 
endeavouring to devour his award broke all his teeth.  The Apple 
was a work of Art.

  "That shows our Master's contempt for mere Art," said the Second 
Poet, grinning.

  Thereupon he attempted to gnaw his Bone, but his teeth passed 
through it without resistance.  It was an imaginary Bone.

1205-The Australian Grasshopper

The Australian Grasshopper


  A DISTINGUISHED Naturalist was travelling in Australia, when he saw 
a Kangaroo in session and flung a stone at it.  The Kangaroo 
immediately adjourned, tracing against the sunset sky a parabolic 
curve spanning seven provinces, and evanished below the horizon.  
The Distinguished Naturalist looked interested, but said nothing 
for an hour; then he said to his native Guide:

  "You have pretty wide meadows here, I suppose?"

  "No, not very wide," the Guide answered; "about the same as in 
England and America."

  After another long silence the Distinguished Naturalist said:

  "The hay which we shall purchase for our horses this evening - I 
shall expect to find the stalks about fifty feet long.  Am I 
right?"

  "Why, no," said the Guide; "a foot or two is about the usual length 
of our hay.  What can you be thinking of?"

  The Distinguished Naturalist made no immediate reply, but later, as 
in the shades of night they journeyed through the desolate vastness 
of the Great Lone Land, he broke the silence:

  "I was thinking," he said, "of the uncommon magnitude of that 
grass-hopper."

1202-1203- The Life-Savers / The Opossum of the Future

[first story]
The Life-Savers

SEVENTY-FIVE Men presented themselves before the President of the
Humane Society and demanded the great gold medal for life-saving.
"Why, yes," said the President; "by diligent effort so many men
must have saved a considerable number of lives. How many did you
save?"
"Seventy-five, sir," replied their Spokesman.
"Ah, yes, that is one each - very good work - very good work,
indeed," the President said. "You shall not only have the
Society's great gold medal, but its recommendation for employment
at the various life-boat stations along the coast. But how did you
save so many lives?"
The Spokesman of the Men replied:
"We are officers of the law, and have just returned from the
pursuit of two murderous outlaws."



[second story]
The Opossum of the Future

ONE day an Opossum who had gone to sleep hanging from the highest
branch of a tree by the tail, awoke and saw a large Snake wound
about the limb, between him and the trunk of the tree.
"If I hold on," he said to himself, "I shall be swallowed; if I let
go I shall break my neck."
But suddenly he bethought himself to dissemble.
"My perfected friend," he said, "my parental instinct recognises in
you a noble evidence and illustration of the theory of development.
You are the Opossum of the Future, the ultimate Fittest Survivor of
our species, the ripe result of progressive prehensility - all
tail!"
But the Snake, proud of his ancient eminence in Scriptural history,
was strictly orthodox, and did not accept the scientific view.

1201-The Ashes of Madame Blavatsky

The Ashes of Madame Blavatsky


  THE two brightest lights of Theosophy being in the same place at 
once in company with the Ashes of Madame Blavatsky, an Inquiring 
Soul thought the time propitious to learn something worth while.  
So he sat at the feet of one awhile, and then he sat awhile at the 
feet of the other, and at last he applied his ear to the keyhole of 
the casket containing the Ashes of Madame Blavatsky.  When the 
Inquiring Soul had completed his course of instruction he declared 
himself the Ahkoond of Swat, fell into the baleful habit of 
standing on his head, and swore that the mother who bore him was a 
pragmatic paralogism.  Wherefore he was held in high reverence, and 
when the two other gentlemen were hanged for lying the Theosophists 
elected him to the leadership of their Disastral Body, and after a 
quiet life and an honourable death by the kick of a jackass he was 
reincarnated as a Yellow Dog.  As such he ate the Ashes of Madame 
Blavatsky, and Theosophy was no more.

1128- An Invitation

  An Invitation


  A PIOUS Person who had overcharged his paunch with dead bird by way 
of attesting his gratitude for escaping the many calamities which 
Heaven had sent upon others, fell asleep at table and dreamed.  He 
thought he lived in a country where turkeys were the ruling class, 
and every year they held a feast to manifest their sense of 
Heaven's goodness in sparing their lives to kill them later.  One 
day, about a week before one of these feasts, he met the Supreme 
Gobbler, who said:

  "You will please get yourself into good condition for the 
Thanksgiving dinner."

  "Yes, your Excellency," replied the Pious Person, delighted, "I 
shall come hungry, I assure you.  It is no small privilege to dine 
with your Excellency."

  The Supreme Gobbler eyed him for a moment in silence; then he said:

  "As one of the lower domestic animals, you cannot be expected to 
know much, but you might know something.  Since you do not, you 
will permit me to point out that being asked to dinner is one 
thing; being asked to dine is another and a different thing."

  With this significant remark the Supreme Gobbler left him, and 
thenceforward the Pious Person dreamed of himself as white meat and 
dark until rudely awakened by decapitation.

1127-The Unchanged Diplomatist

The Unchanged Diplomatist


  THE republic of Madagonia had been long and well represented at the 
court of the King of Patagascar by an officer called a Dazie, but 
one day the Madagonian Parliament conferred upon him the superior 
rank of Dandee.  The next day after being apprised of his new 
dignity he hastened to inform the King of Patagascar.

  "Ah, yes, I understand," said the King; "you have been promoted and 
given increased pay and allowances.  There was an appropriation?"

  "Yes, your Majesty."

  "And you have now two heads, have you not?"

  "Oh, no, your Majesty - only one, I assure you."

  "Indeed?  And how many legs and arms?"

  "Two of each, Sire - only two of each."

  "And only one body?"

  "Just a single body, as you perceive."

  Thoughtfully removing his crown and scratching the royal head, the 
monarch was silent a moment, and then he said:

  "I fancy that appropriation has been misapplied.  You seem to be 
about the same kind of idiot that you were before."

1126-The Poetess of Reform

The Poetess of Reform


  ONE pleasant day in the latter part of eternity, as the Shades of 
all the great writers were reposing upon beds of asphodel and moly 
in the Elysian fields, each happy in hearing from the lips of the 
others nothing but copious quotation from his own works (for so 
Jove had kindly bedeviled their ears), there came in among them 
with triumphant mien a Shade whom none knew.  She (for the newcomer 
showed such evidences of sex as cropped hair and a manly stride) 
took a seat in their midst, and smiling a superior smile explained:

  "After centuries of oppression I have wrested my rights from the 
grasp of the jealous gods.  On earth I was the Poetess of Reform, 
and sang to inattentive ears.  Now for an eternity of honour and 
glory."

  But it was not to be so, and soon she was the unhappiest of 
mortals, vainly desirous to wander again in gloom by the infernal 
lakes.  For Jove had not bedeviled her ears, and she heard from the 
lips of each blessed Shade an incessant flow of quotation from his 
own works.  Moreover, she was denied the happiness of repeating her 
poems.  She could not recall a line of them, for Jove had decreed 
that the memory of them abide in Pluto's painful domain, as a part 
of the apparatus.

1125- The Party Over There

  The Party Over There


  A MAN in a Hurry, whose watch was at his lawyer's, asked a Grave 
Person the time of day.

  "I heard you ask that Party Over There the same question," said the 
Grave Person.  "What answer did he give you?"

  "He said it was about three o'clock," replied the Man in a Hurry; 
"but he did not look at his watch, and as the sun is nearly down, I 
think it is later."

  "The fact that the sun is nearly down," the Grave Person said, "is 
immaterial, but the fact that he did not consult his timepiece and 
make answer after due deliberation and consideration is fatal.  The 
answer given," continued the Grave Person, consulting his own 
timepiece, "is of no effect, invalid, and absurd."

  "What, then," said the Man in a Hurry, eagerly, "is the time of 
day?"

  "The question is remanded to the Party Over There for a new 
answer," replied the Grave Person, returning his watch to his 
pocket and moving away with great dignity.

  He was a Judge of an Appellate Court.

1124- The City of Political Distinction

 The City of Political Distinction


  JAMRACH the Rich, being anxious to reach the City of Political 
Distinction before nightfall, arrived at a fork of the road and was 
undecided which branch to follow; so he consulted a Wise-Looking 
Person who sat by the wayside.

  "Take THAT road," said the Wise-Looking Person, pointing it out; 
"it is known as the Political Highway."

  "Thank you," said Jamrach, and was about to proceed.

  "About how much do you thank me?" was the reply.  "Do you suppose I 
am here for my health?"

  As Jamrach had not become rich by stupidity, he handed something to 
his guide and hastened on, and soon came to a toll-gate kept by a 
Benevolent Gentleman, to whom he gave something, and was suffered 
to pass.  A little farther along he came to a bridge across an 
imaginary stream, where a Civil Engineer (who had built the bridge) 
demanded something for interest on his investment, and it was 
forthcoming.  It was growing late when Jamrach came to the margin 
of what appeared to be a lake of black ink, and there the road 
terminated.  Seeing a Ferryman in his boat he paid something for 
his passage and was about to embark.

  "No," said the Ferryman.  "Put your neck in this noose, and I will 
tow you over.  It is the only way," he added, seeing that the 
passenger was about to complain of the accommodations.

  In due time he was dragged across, half strangled, and dreadfully 
beslubbered by the feculent waters.  "There," said the Ferryman, 
hauling him ashore and disengaging him, "you are now in the City of 
Political Distinction.  It has fifty millions of inhabitants, and 
as the colour of the Filthy Pool does not wash off, they all look 
exactly alike."

  "Alas!" exclaimed Jamrach, weeping and bewailing the loss of all 
his possessions, paid out in tips and tolls; "I will go back with 
you."

  "I don't think you will,", said the Ferryman, pushing off; "this 
city is situated on the Island of the Unreturning."

1121-The Lion and the Rattlesnake

The Lion and the Rattlesnake


  A MAN having found a Lion in his path undertook to subdue him by 
the power of the human eye; and near by was a Rattlesnake engaged 
in fascinating a small bird.

  "How are you getting on, brother?" the Man called out to the other 
reptile, without removing his eyes from those of the Lion.

  "Admirably," replied the serpent.  "My success is assured; my 
victim draws nearer and nearer in spite of her efforts."

  "And mine," said the Man, "draws nearer and nearer in spite of 
mine.  Are you sure it is all right?"

  "If you don't think so," the reptile replied as well as he then 
could, with his mouth full of bird, "you better give it up."

  A half-hour later, the Lion, thoughtfully picking his teeth with 
his claws, told the Rattlesnake that he had never in all his varied 
experience in being subdued, seen a subduer try so earnestly to 
give it up.  "But," he added, with a wide, significant smile, "I 
looked him into countenance."

1119-The Literary Astronomer

The Literary Astronomer


  THE Director of an Observatory, who, with a thirty-six-inch 
refractor, had discovered the moon, hastened to an Editor, with a 
four-column account of the event.

  "How much?" said the Editor, sententiously, without looking up from 
his essay on the circularity of the political horizon.

  "One hundred and sixty dollars," replied the man who had discovered 
the moon.

  "Not half enough," was the Editor's comment.

  "Generous man!" cried the Astronomer, glowing with warm and 
elevated sentiments, "pay me, then, what you will."

  "Great and good friend," said the Editor, blandly, looking up from 
his work, "we are far asunder, it seems.  The paying is to be done 
by you."

  The Director of the Observatory gathered up the manuscript and went 
away, explaining that it needed correction; he had neglected to dot 
an m.

1117-The Noser and the Note

The Noser and the Note


  THE Head Rifler of an insolvent bank, learning that it was about to 
be visited by the official Noser into Things, placed his own 
personal note for a large amount among its resources, and, gaily 
touching his guitar, awaited the inspection.  When the Noser came 
to the note he asked, "What's this?"

  "That," said the Assistant Pocketer of Deposits, "is one of our 
liabilities."

  "A liability?" exclaimed the Noser.  "Nay, nay, an asset.  That is 
what you mean, doubtless."

  "Therein you err," the Pocketer explained; "that note was written 
in the bank with our own pen, ink, and paper, and we have not paid 
a stationery bill for six months."

  "Ah, I see," the Noser said, thoughtfully; "it is a liability.  May 
I ask how you expect to meet it?"

  "With fortitude, please God," answered the Assistant Pocketer, his 
eyes to Heaven raising - "with fortitude and a firm reliance on the 
laxity of the law."

  "Enough, enough," exclaimed the faithful servant of the State, 
choking with emotion; "here is a certificate of solvency."

  "And here is a bottle of ink," the grateful financier said, 
slipping it into the other's pocket; "it is all that we have."

1114 - The Poet's Doom

The Poet's Doom


  AN Object was walking along the King's highway wrapped in 
meditation and with little else on, when he suddenly found himself 
at the gates of a strange city.  On applying for admittance, he was 
arrested as a necessitator of ordinances, and taken before the 
King.

  "Who are you," said the King, "and what is your business in life?"

  "Snouter the Sneak," replied the Object, with ready invention; 
"pick-pocket."

  The King was about to command him to be released when the Prime 
Minister suggested that the prisoner's fingers be examined.  They 
were found greatly flattened and calloused at the ends.

  "Ha!" cried the King; "I told you so! - he is addicted to counting 
syllables.  This is a poet.  Turn him over to the Lord High 
Dissuader from the Head Habit."

  "My liege," said the Inventor-in-Ordinary of Ingenious Penalties, 
"I venture to suggest a keener affliction.

  "Name it," the King said.

  "Let him retain that head!"

  It was so ordered.

1113 - A Hasty Settlement

 A Hasty Settlement


  "YOUR Honour," said an Attorney, rising, "what is the present 
status of this case - as far as it has gone?"

  "I have given a judgment for the residuary legatee under the will," 
said the Court, "put the costs upon the contestants, decided all 
questions relating to fees and other charges; and, in short, the 
estate in litigation has been settled, with all controversies, 
disputes, misunderstandings, and differences of opinion thereunto 
appertaining."

  "Ah, yes, I see," said the Attorney, thoughtfully, "we are making 
progress - we are getting on famously."

  "Progress?" echoed the Judge - "progress?  Why, sir, the matter is 
concluded!"

  "Exactly, exactly; it had to be concluded in order to give 
relevancy to the motion that I am about to make.  Your Honour, I 
move that the judgment of the Court be set aside and the case 
reopened."

  "Upon what ground, sir?" the Judge asked in surprise.

  "Upon the ground," said the Attorney, "that after paying all fees 
and expenses of litigation and all charges against the estate there 
will still be something left."

  "There may have been an error," said His Honour, thoughtfully - 
"the Court may have underestimated the value of the estate.  The 
motion is taken under advisement."

1112 - free talking

1107 - A Protagonist of Silver

  A Protagonist of Silver


  SOME Financiers who were whetting their tongues on their teeth 
because the Government had "struck down" silver, and were about to 
"inaugurate" a season of sweatshed, were addressed as follows by a 
Member of their honourable and warlike body:

  "Comrades of the thunder and companions of death, I cannot but 
regard it as singularly fortunate that we who by conviction and 
sympathy are designated by nature as the champions of that fairest 
of her products, the white metal, should also, by a happy chance, 
be engaged mostly in the business of mining it.  Nothing could be 
more appropriate than that those who from unselfish motives and 
elevated sentiments are doing battle for the people's rights and 
interests, should themselves be the chief beneficiaries of success.  
Therefore, O children of the earthquake and the storm, let us stand 
shoulder to shoulder, heart to heart, and pocket to pocket!"

  This speech so pleased the other Members of the convention that, 
actuated by a magnanimous impulse, they sprang to their feet and 
left the hall.  It was the first time they had ever been known to 
leave anything having value.

1106 - The Lassoed Bear

 The Lassoed Bear


  A HUNTER who had lassoed a Bear was trying to disengage himself 
from the rope, but the slip-knot about his wrist would not yield, 
for the Bear was all the time pulling in the slack with his paws.  
In the midst of his trouble the Hunter saw a Showman passing by, 
and managed to attract his attention.

  "What will you give me," he said, "for my Bear?"

  "It will be some five or ten minutes," said the Showman, "before I 
shall want a fresh Bear, and it looks to me as if prices would fall 
during that time.  I think I'll wait and watch the market."

  "The price of this animal," the Hunter replied, "is down to bed-
rock; you can have him for nothing a pound, spot cash, and I'll 
throw in the next one that I lasso.  But the purchaser must remove 
the goods from the premises forthwith, to make room for three man-
eating tigers, a cat-headed gorilla, and an armful of 
rattlesnakes."

  But the Showman passed on, in maiden meditation, fancy free, and 
being joined soon afterward by the Bear, who was absently picking 
his teeth, it was inferred that they were not unacquainted.

1105 - A Call to Quit

 A Call to Quit


  SEEING that his audiences were becoming smaller every Sunday, a 
Minister of the Gospel broke off in the midst of a sermon, 
descended the pulpit stairs, and walked on his hands down the 
central aisle of the church.  He then remounted his feet, ascended 
to the pulpit, and resumed his discourse, making no allusion to the 
incident.

  "Now," said he to himself, as he went home, "I shall have, 
henceforth, a large attendance and no snoring."

  But on the following Friday he was waited upon by the Pillars of 
the Church, who informed him that in order to be in harmony with 
the New Theology and get full advantage of modern methods of Gospel 
interpretation they had deemed it advisable to make a change.  They 
had therefore sent a call to Brother Jowjeetum-Fallal, the World-
Renowned Hindoo Human Pin-Wheel, then holding forth in Hoopitup's 
circus.  They were happy to say that the reverend gentleman had 
been moved by the Spirit to accept the call, and on the ensuing 
Sabbath would break the bread of life for the brethren or break his 
neck in the attempt.

1104 - The Critics

 The Critics


  WHILE bathing, Antinous was seen by Minerva, who was so enamoured 
of his beauty that, all armed as she happened to be, she descended 
from Olympus to woo him; but, unluckily displaying her shield, with 
the head of Medusa on it, she had the unhappiness to see the 
beautiful mortal turn to stone from catching a glimpse of it.  She 
straightway ascended to ask Jove to restore him; but before this 
could be done a Sculptor and a Critic passed that way and espied 
him.

  "This is a very bad Apollo," said the Sculptor: "the chest is too 
narrow, and one arm is at least a half-inch shorter than the other.  
The attitude is unnatural, and I may say impossible.  Ah! my 
friend, you should see my statue of Antinous."

  "In my judgment, the figure," said the Critic, "is tolerably good, 
though rather Etrurian, but the expression of the face is decidedly 
Tuscan, and therefore false to nature.  By the way, have you read 
my work on 'The Fallaciousness of the Aspectual in Art'?"

1103 - The Broom of the Temple

 The Broom of the Temple


  THE city of Gakwak being about to lose its character of capital of 
the province of Ukwuk, the Wampog issued a proclamation convening 
all the male residents in council in the Temple of Ul to devise 
means of defence.  The first speaker thought the best policy would 
be to offer a fried jackass to the gods.  The second suggested a 
public procession, headed by the Wampog himself, bearing the Holy 
Poker on a cushion of cloth-of-brass.  Another thought that a 
scarlet mole should be buried alive in the public park and a 
suitable incantation chanted over the remains.  The advice of the 
fourth was that the columns of the capitol be rubbed with oil of 
dog by a person having a moustache on the calf of his leg.  When 
all the others had spoken an Aged Man rose and said:

  "High and mighty Wampog and fellow-citizens, I have listened 
attentively to all the plans proposed.  All seem wise, and I do not 
suffer myself to doubt that any one of them would be efficacious.  
Nevertheless, I cannot help thinking that if we would put an 
improved breed of polliwogs in our drinking water, construct 
shallower roadways, groom the street cows, offer the stranger 
within our gates a free choice between the poniard and the potion, 
and relinquish our private system of morals, the other measures of 
public safety would be needless."

  The Aged Man was about to speak further, but the meeting informally 
adjourned in order to sweep the floor of the temple - for the men 
of Gakwak are the tidiest housewives in all that province.  The 
last speaker was the broom.