1231-The Compassionate Physician / Two of the Damned

The Compassionate Physician


  A KIND-HEARTED Physician sitting at the bedside of a patient 
afflicted with an incurable and painful disease, heard a noise 
behind him, and turning saw a cat laughing at the feeble efforts of 
a wounded mouse to drag itself out of the room.

  "You cruel beast!" cried he.  "Why don't you kill it at once, like 
a lady?"

  Rising, he kicked the cat out of the door, and picking up the mouse 
compassionately put it out of its misery by pulling off its head.  
Recalled to the bedside by the moans of his patient, the Kind-
hearted Physician administered a stimulant, a tonic, and a 
nutrient, and went away.

==========================================

 Two of the Damned


  TWO Blighted Beings, haggard, lachrymose, and detested, met on a 
blasted heath in the light of a struggling moon.

  "I wish you a merry Christmas," said the First Blighted Being, in a 
voice like that of a singing tomb.

  "And I you a happy New Year," responded the Second Blighted Being, 
with the accent of a penitent accordeon.

  They then fell upon each other's neck and wept scalding rills down 
each other's spine in token of their banishment to the Realm of 
Ineffable Bosh.  For one of these accursed creatures was the First 
of January, and the other the Twenty-fifth of December.

The Returned Californian


  A MAN was hanged by the neck until he was dead.

  "Whence do you come?" Saint Peter asked when the Man presented 
himself at the gate of Heaven.

  "From California," replied the applicant.

  "Enter, my son, enter; you bring joyous tidings."

  When the Man had vanished inside, Saint Peter took his memorandum-
tablet and made the following entry:

  "February 16, 1893.  California occupied by the Christians."

1226- A Matter of Method / The Man of Principle

[First Story]

 A Matter of Method


  A PHILOSOPHER seeing a Fool beating his Donkey, said:

  "Abstain, my son, abstain, I implore.  Those who resort to violence 
shall suffer from violence."

  "That," said the Fool, diligently belabouring the animal, "is what 
I'm trying to teach this beast - which has kicked me."

  "Doubtless," said the Philosopher to himself, as he walked away, 
"the wisdom of fools is no deeper nor truer than ours, but they 
really do seem to have a more impressive way of imparting it."

[Second Story]

 The Man of Principle


  DURING a shower of rain the Keeper of a Zoological garden observed 
a Man of Principle crouching beneath the belly of the ostrich, 
which had drawn itself up to its full height to sleep.

  "Why, my dear sir," said the Keeper, "if you fear to get wet, you'd 
better creep into the pouch of yonder female kangaroo - the 
SALTARIX MACKINTOSHA - for if that ostrich wakes he will kick you 
to death in a minute."

  "I can't help that," the Man of Principle replied, with that lofty 
scorn of practical considerations distinguishing his species.  "He 
may kick me to death if he wish, but until he does he shall give me 
shelter from the storm.  He has swallowed my umbrella."

1224- The Kangaroo and the Zebra

 The Kangaroo and the Zebra


  A KANGAROO hopping awkwardly along with some bulky object concealed
in her pouch met a Zebra, and desirous of keeping his attention
upon himself, said:

  "Your costume looks as if you might have come out of the
penitentiary."

  "Appearances are deceitful," replied the Zebra, smiling in the
consciousness of a more insupportable wit, "or I should have to
think that you had come out of the Legislature."

1223-A Racial Parallel / The Kangaroo and the Zebra

[first story]
A Racial Parallel


  SOME White Christians engaged in driving Chinese Heathens out of an
American town found a newspaper published in Peking in the Chinese
tongue, and compelled one of their victims to translate an
editorial.  It turned out to be an appeal to the people of the
Province of Pang Ki to drive the foreign devils out of the country
and burn their dwellings and churches.  At this evidence of
Mongolian barbarity the White Christians were so greatly incensed
that they carried out their original design.



[second story]

 The Kangaroo and the Zebra


  A KANGAROO hopping awkwardly along with some bulky object concealed
in her pouch met a Zebra, and desirous of keeping his attention
upon himself, said:

  "Your costume looks as if you might have come out of the
penitentiary."

  "Appearances are deceitful," replied the Zebra, smiling in the
consciousness of a more insupportable wit, "or I should have to
think that you had come out of the Legislature."

1222- The Honest Cadi

 The Honest Cadi


  A ROBBER who had plundered a Merchant of one thousand pieces of 
gold was taken before the Cadi, who asked him if he had anything to 
say why he should not be decapitated.

  "Your Honour," said the Robber, "I could do no otherwise than take 
the money, for Allah made me that way."

  "Your defence is ingenious and sound," said the Cadi, "and I must 
acquit you of criminality.  Unfortunately, Allah has made me so 
that I must also take off your head - unless," he added, 
thoughtfully, "you offer me half of the gold; for He made me weak 
under temptation."

  Thereupon the Robber put five hundred pieces of gold into the 
Cadi's hand.

  "Good," said the Cadi.  "I shall now remove but one half your head.  
To show my trust in your discretion I shall leave intact the half 
you talk with."

1219- The Overlooked Factor

 The Overlooked Factor


  A MAN that owned a fine Dog, and by a careful selection of its mate 
had bred a number of animals but a little lower than the angels, 
fell in love with his washerwoman, married her, and reared a family 
of dolts.

  "Alas!" he exclaimed, contemplating the melancholy result, "had I 
but chosen a mate for myself with half the care that I did for my 
Dog I should now be a proud and happy father."

  "I'm not so sure of that," said the Dog, overhearing the lament.  
"There's a difference, certainly, between your whelps and mine, but 
I venture to flatter myself that it is not due altogether to the 
mothers.  You and I are not entirely alike ourselves."

1218- Physicians Two

 Physicians Two


  A WICKED Old Man finding himself ill sent for a Physician, who 
prescribed for him and went away.  Then the Wicked Old Man sent for 
another Physician, saying nothing of the first, and an entirely 
different treatment was ordered.  This continued for some weeks, 
the physicians visiting him on alternate days and treating him for 
two different disorders, with constantly enlarging doses of 
medicine and more and more rigorous nursing.  But one day they 
accidently met at his bedside while he slept, and the truth coming 
out a violent quarrel ensued.

  "My good friends," said the patient, awakened by the noise of the 
dispute, and apprehending the cause of it, "pray be more 
reasonable.  If I could for weeks endure you both, can you not for 
a little while endure each other?  I have been well for ten days, 
but have remained in bed in the hope of gaining by repose the 
strength that would justify me in taking your medicines.  So far I 
have touched none of it."

1217 - The All Dog / The Farmer's Friend

[first story]
 The All Dog


  A LION seeing a Poodle fell into laughter at the ridiculous
spectacle.

  "Who ever saw so small a beast?" he said.

  "It is very true," said the Poodle, with austere dignity, "that I
am small; but, sir, I beg to observe that I am all dog."





[second story]

  The Farmer's Friend


  A GREAT Philanthropist who had thought of himself in connection
with the Presidency and had introduced a bill into Congress
requiring the Government to loan every voter all the money that he
needed, on his personal security, was explaining to a Sunday-school
at a railway station how much he had done for the country, when an
angel looked down from Heaven and wept.

  "For example," said the Great Philanthropist, watching the
teardrops pattering in the dust, "these early rains are of
incalculable advantage to the farmer."

1216 (was: 1215)

[first stoyr]

 Two in Trouble


  MEETING a fat and patriotic Statesman on his way to Washington to 
beseech the President for an office, an idle Tramp accosted him and 
begged twenty-five cents with which to buy a suit of clothes.

  "Melancholy wreck," said the Statesman, "what brought you to this 
state of degradation?  Liquor, I suppose."

  "I am temperate to the verge of absurdity," replied the Tramp.  "My 
foible was patriotism; I was ruined by the baneful habit of trying 
to serve my country.  What ruined you?"

  "Indolence."

[second story]

 The Witch's Steed


  A BROOMSTICK which had long served a witch as a steed complained of 
the nature of its employment, which it thought degrading.

  "Very well," said the Witch, "I will give you work in which you 
will be associated with intellect - you will come in contact with 
brains.  I shall present you to a housewife."

  "What!" said the Broomstick, "do you consider the hands of a 
housewife intellectual?"

  "I referred," said the Witch, "to the head of her good man."

1212 / 1215

[first story]

 Alarm and Pride


  "GOOD-MORNING, my friend," said Alarm to Pride; "how are you this 
morning?"

  "Very tired," replied Pride, seating himself on a stone by the 
wayside and mopping his steaming brow.  "The politicians are 
wearing me out by pointing to their dirty records with ME, when 
they could as well use a stick."

  Alarm sighed sympathetically, and said:

  "It is pretty much the same way here.  Instead of using an opera-
glass they view the acts of their opponents with ME!"

  As these patient drudges were mingling their tears, they were 
notified that they must go on duty again, for one of the political 
parties had nominated a thief and was about to hold a gratification 
meeting.

[second story]

 A Causeway


  A RICH Woman having returned from abroad disembarked at the foot of 
Knee-deep Street, and was about to walk to her hotel through the 
mud.

  "Madam," said a Policeman, "I cannot permit you to do that; you 
would soil your shoes and stockings."

  "Oh, that is of no importance, really," replied the Rich Woman, 
with a cheerful smile.

  "But, madam, it is needless; from the wharf to the hotel, as you 
observe, extends an unbroken line of prostrate newspaper men who 
crave the honour of having you walk upon them."

  "In that case," she said, seating herself in a doorway and 
unlocking her satchel, "I shall have to put on my rubber boots."

1211

[first story]

 The Sagacious Rat


  A RAT that was about to emerge from his hole caught a glimpse of a 
Cat waiting for him, and descending to the colony at the bottom of 
the hole invited a Friend to join him in a visit to a neighbouring 
corn-bin.  "I would have gone alone," he said, "but could not deny 
myself the pleasure of such distinguished company."

  "Very well," said the Friend, "I will go with you.  Lead on."

  "Lead?" exclaimed the other.  "What!  I precede so great and 
illustrious a rat as you? No, indeed - after you, sir, after you."
 
  Pleased with this great show of deference, the Friend went ahead, 
and, leaving the hole first, was caught by the Cat, who immediately 
trotted away with him.  The other then went out unmolested.

[second story]

 The Member and the Soap


  A MEMBER of the Kansas Legislature meeting a Cake of Soap was 
passing it by without recognition, but the Cake of Soap insisted on 
stopping and shaking hands.  Thinking it might possibly be in the 
enjoyment of the elective franchise, he gave it a cordial and 
earnest grasp.  On letting it go he observed that a portion of it 
adhered to his fingers, and running to a brook in great alarm he 
proceeded to wash it off.  In doing so he necessarily got some on 
the other hand, and when he had finished washing, both were so 
white that he went to bed and sent for a physician.

1210-The Bumbo of Jiam

The Bumbo of Jiam


  THE Pahdour of Patagascar and the Gookul of Madagonia were 
disputing about an island which both claimed.  Finally, at the 
suggestion of the International League of Cannon Founders, which 
had important branches in both countries, they decided to refer 
their claims to the Bumbo of Jiam, and abide by his judgment.  In 
settling the preliminaries of the arbitration they had, however, 
the misfortune to disagree, and appealed to arms.  At the end of a 
long and disastrous war, when both sides were exhausted and 
bankrupt, the Bumbo of Jiam intervened in the interest of peace.

  "My great and good friends," he said to his brother sovereigns, "it 
will be advantageous to you to learn that some questions are more 
complex and perilous than others, presenting a greater number of 
points upon which it is possible to differ.  For four generations 
your royal predecessors disputed about possession of that island, 
without falling out.  Beware, oh, beware the perils of 
international arbitration! - against which I feel it my duty to 
protect you henceforth."

  So saying, he annexed both countries, and after a long, peaceful, 
and happy reign was poisoned by his Prime Minister.

1208- The Pavior / The Two Poets

[first story]

 The Pavior


  AN Author saw a Labourer hammering stones into the pavement of a 
street, and approaching him said:

  "My friend, you seem weary.  Ambition is a hard taskmaster."

  "I'm working for Mr. Jones, sir," the Labourer replied.

  "Well, cheer up," the Author resumed; "fame comes at the most 
unexpected times.  To-day you are poor, obscure, and disheartened, 
and to-morrow the world may be ringing with your name."

  "What are you giving me?" the Labourer said.  "Cannot an honest 
pavior perform his work in peace, and get his money for it, and his 
living by it, without others talking rot about ambition and hopes 
of fame?"

  "Cannot an honest writer?" said the Author.

[second story]

The Two Poets


  Two Poets were quarrelling for the Apple of Discord and the Bone of 
Contention, for they were very hungry.

  "My sons," said Apollo, "I will part the prizes between you.  You," 
he said to the First Poet, "excel in Art - take the Apple.  And 
you," he said to the Second Poet, "in Imagination - take the Bone."

  "To Art the best prize!" said the First Poet, triumphantly, and 
endeavouring to devour his award broke all his teeth.  The Apple 
was a work of Art.

  "That shows our Master's contempt for mere Art," said the Second 
Poet, grinning.

  Thereupon he attempted to gnaw his Bone, but his teeth passed 
through it without resistance.  It was an imaginary Bone.

1205-The Australian Grasshopper

The Australian Grasshopper


  A DISTINGUISHED Naturalist was travelling in Australia, when he saw 
a Kangaroo in session and flung a stone at it.  The Kangaroo 
immediately adjourned, tracing against the sunset sky a parabolic 
curve spanning seven provinces, and evanished below the horizon.  
The Distinguished Naturalist looked interested, but said nothing 
for an hour; then he said to his native Guide:

  "You have pretty wide meadows here, I suppose?"

  "No, not very wide," the Guide answered; "about the same as in 
England and America."

  After another long silence the Distinguished Naturalist said:

  "The hay which we shall purchase for our horses this evening - I 
shall expect to find the stalks about fifty feet long.  Am I 
right?"

  "Why, no," said the Guide; "a foot or two is about the usual length 
of our hay.  What can you be thinking of?"

  The Distinguished Naturalist made no immediate reply, but later, as 
in the shades of night they journeyed through the desolate vastness 
of the Great Lone Land, he broke the silence:

  "I was thinking," he said, "of the uncommon magnitude of that 
grass-hopper."

1202-1203- The Life-Savers / The Opossum of the Future

[first story]
The Life-Savers

SEVENTY-FIVE Men presented themselves before the President of the
Humane Society and demanded the great gold medal for life-saving.
"Why, yes," said the President; "by diligent effort so many men
must have saved a considerable number of lives. How many did you
save?"
"Seventy-five, sir," replied their Spokesman.
"Ah, yes, that is one each - very good work - very good work,
indeed," the President said. "You shall not only have the
Society's great gold medal, but its recommendation for employment
at the various life-boat stations along the coast. But how did you
save so many lives?"
The Spokesman of the Men replied:
"We are officers of the law, and have just returned from the
pursuit of two murderous outlaws."



[second story]
The Opossum of the Future

ONE day an Opossum who had gone to sleep hanging from the highest
branch of a tree by the tail, awoke and saw a large Snake wound
about the limb, between him and the trunk of the tree.
"If I hold on," he said to himself, "I shall be swallowed; if I let
go I shall break my neck."
But suddenly he bethought himself to dissemble.
"My perfected friend," he said, "my parental instinct recognises in
you a noble evidence and illustration of the theory of development.
You are the Opossum of the Future, the ultimate Fittest Survivor of
our species, the ripe result of progressive prehensility - all
tail!"
But the Snake, proud of his ancient eminence in Scriptural history,
was strictly orthodox, and did not accept the scientific view.

1201-The Ashes of Madame Blavatsky

The Ashes of Madame Blavatsky


  THE two brightest lights of Theosophy being in the same place at 
once in company with the Ashes of Madame Blavatsky, an Inquiring 
Soul thought the time propitious to learn something worth while.  
So he sat at the feet of one awhile, and then he sat awhile at the 
feet of the other, and at last he applied his ear to the keyhole of 
the casket containing the Ashes of Madame Blavatsky.  When the 
Inquiring Soul had completed his course of instruction he declared 
himself the Ahkoond of Swat, fell into the baleful habit of 
standing on his head, and swore that the mother who bore him was a 
pragmatic paralogism.  Wherefore he was held in high reverence, and 
when the two other gentlemen were hanged for lying the Theosophists 
elected him to the leadership of their Disastral Body, and after a 
quiet life and an honourable death by the kick of a jackass he was 
reincarnated as a Yellow Dog.  As such he ate the Ashes of Madame 
Blavatsky, and Theosophy was no more.

1128- An Invitation

  An Invitation


  A PIOUS Person who had overcharged his paunch with dead bird by way 
of attesting his gratitude for escaping the many calamities which 
Heaven had sent upon others, fell asleep at table and dreamed.  He 
thought he lived in a country where turkeys were the ruling class, 
and every year they held a feast to manifest their sense of 
Heaven's goodness in sparing their lives to kill them later.  One 
day, about a week before one of these feasts, he met the Supreme 
Gobbler, who said:

  "You will please get yourself into good condition for the 
Thanksgiving dinner."

  "Yes, your Excellency," replied the Pious Person, delighted, "I 
shall come hungry, I assure you.  It is no small privilege to dine 
with your Excellency."

  The Supreme Gobbler eyed him for a moment in silence; then he said:

  "As one of the lower domestic animals, you cannot be expected to 
know much, but you might know something.  Since you do not, you 
will permit me to point out that being asked to dinner is one 
thing; being asked to dine is another and a different thing."

  With this significant remark the Supreme Gobbler left him, and 
thenceforward the Pious Person dreamed of himself as white meat and 
dark until rudely awakened by decapitation.

1127-The Unchanged Diplomatist

The Unchanged Diplomatist


  THE republic of Madagonia had been long and well represented at the 
court of the King of Patagascar by an officer called a Dazie, but 
one day the Madagonian Parliament conferred upon him the superior 
rank of Dandee.  The next day after being apprised of his new 
dignity he hastened to inform the King of Patagascar.

  "Ah, yes, I understand," said the King; "you have been promoted and 
given increased pay and allowances.  There was an appropriation?"

  "Yes, your Majesty."

  "And you have now two heads, have you not?"

  "Oh, no, your Majesty - only one, I assure you."

  "Indeed?  And how many legs and arms?"

  "Two of each, Sire - only two of each."

  "And only one body?"

  "Just a single body, as you perceive."

  Thoughtfully removing his crown and scratching the royal head, the 
monarch was silent a moment, and then he said:

  "I fancy that appropriation has been misapplied.  You seem to be 
about the same kind of idiot that you were before."

1126-The Poetess of Reform

The Poetess of Reform


  ONE pleasant day in the latter part of eternity, as the Shades of 
all the great writers were reposing upon beds of asphodel and moly 
in the Elysian fields, each happy in hearing from the lips of the 
others nothing but copious quotation from his own works (for so 
Jove had kindly bedeviled their ears), there came in among them 
with triumphant mien a Shade whom none knew.  She (for the newcomer 
showed such evidences of sex as cropped hair and a manly stride) 
took a seat in their midst, and smiling a superior smile explained:

  "After centuries of oppression I have wrested my rights from the 
grasp of the jealous gods.  On earth I was the Poetess of Reform, 
and sang to inattentive ears.  Now for an eternity of honour and 
glory."

  But it was not to be so, and soon she was the unhappiest of 
mortals, vainly desirous to wander again in gloom by the infernal 
lakes.  For Jove had not bedeviled her ears, and she heard from the 
lips of each blessed Shade an incessant flow of quotation from his 
own works.  Moreover, she was denied the happiness of repeating her 
poems.  She could not recall a line of them, for Jove had decreed 
that the memory of them abide in Pluto's painful domain, as a part 
of the apparatus.

1125- The Party Over There

  The Party Over There


  A MAN in a Hurry, whose watch was at his lawyer's, asked a Grave 
Person the time of day.

  "I heard you ask that Party Over There the same question," said the 
Grave Person.  "What answer did he give you?"

  "He said it was about three o'clock," replied the Man in a Hurry; 
"but he did not look at his watch, and as the sun is nearly down, I 
think it is later."

  "The fact that the sun is nearly down," the Grave Person said, "is 
immaterial, but the fact that he did not consult his timepiece and 
make answer after due deliberation and consideration is fatal.  The 
answer given," continued the Grave Person, consulting his own 
timepiece, "is of no effect, invalid, and absurd."

  "What, then," said the Man in a Hurry, eagerly, "is the time of 
day?"

  "The question is remanded to the Party Over There for a new 
answer," replied the Grave Person, returning his watch to his 
pocket and moving away with great dignity.

  He was a Judge of an Appellate Court.

1124- The City of Political Distinction

 The City of Political Distinction


  JAMRACH the Rich, being anxious to reach the City of Political 
Distinction before nightfall, arrived at a fork of the road and was 
undecided which branch to follow; so he consulted a Wise-Looking 
Person who sat by the wayside.

  "Take THAT road," said the Wise-Looking Person, pointing it out; 
"it is known as the Political Highway."

  "Thank you," said Jamrach, and was about to proceed.

  "About how much do you thank me?" was the reply.  "Do you suppose I 
am here for my health?"

  As Jamrach had not become rich by stupidity, he handed something to 
his guide and hastened on, and soon came to a toll-gate kept by a 
Benevolent Gentleman, to whom he gave something, and was suffered 
to pass.  A little farther along he came to a bridge across an 
imaginary stream, where a Civil Engineer (who had built the bridge) 
demanded something for interest on his investment, and it was 
forthcoming.  It was growing late when Jamrach came to the margin 
of what appeared to be a lake of black ink, and there the road 
terminated.  Seeing a Ferryman in his boat he paid something for 
his passage and was about to embark.

  "No," said the Ferryman.  "Put your neck in this noose, and I will 
tow you over.  It is the only way," he added, seeing that the 
passenger was about to complain of the accommodations.

  In due time he was dragged across, half strangled, and dreadfully 
beslubbered by the feculent waters.  "There," said the Ferryman, 
hauling him ashore and disengaging him, "you are now in the City of 
Political Distinction.  It has fifty millions of inhabitants, and 
as the colour of the Filthy Pool does not wash off, they all look 
exactly alike."

  "Alas!" exclaimed Jamrach, weeping and bewailing the loss of all 
his possessions, paid out in tips and tolls; "I will go back with 
you."

  "I don't think you will,", said the Ferryman, pushing off; "this 
city is situated on the Island of the Unreturning."

1121-The Lion and the Rattlesnake

The Lion and the Rattlesnake


  A MAN having found a Lion in his path undertook to subdue him by 
the power of the human eye; and near by was a Rattlesnake engaged 
in fascinating a small bird.

  "How are you getting on, brother?" the Man called out to the other 
reptile, without removing his eyes from those of the Lion.

  "Admirably," replied the serpent.  "My success is assured; my 
victim draws nearer and nearer in spite of her efforts."

  "And mine," said the Man, "draws nearer and nearer in spite of 
mine.  Are you sure it is all right?"

  "If you don't think so," the reptile replied as well as he then 
could, with his mouth full of bird, "you better give it up."

  A half-hour later, the Lion, thoughtfully picking his teeth with 
his claws, told the Rattlesnake that he had never in all his varied 
experience in being subdued, seen a subduer try so earnestly to 
give it up.  "But," he added, with a wide, significant smile, "I 
looked him into countenance."

1119-The Literary Astronomer

The Literary Astronomer


  THE Director of an Observatory, who, with a thirty-six-inch 
refractor, had discovered the moon, hastened to an Editor, with a 
four-column account of the event.

  "How much?" said the Editor, sententiously, without looking up from 
his essay on the circularity of the political horizon.

  "One hundred and sixty dollars," replied the man who had discovered 
the moon.

  "Not half enough," was the Editor's comment.

  "Generous man!" cried the Astronomer, glowing with warm and 
elevated sentiments, "pay me, then, what you will."

  "Great and good friend," said the Editor, blandly, looking up from 
his work, "we are far asunder, it seems.  The paying is to be done 
by you."

  The Director of the Observatory gathered up the manuscript and went 
away, explaining that it needed correction; he had neglected to dot 
an m.

1117-The Noser and the Note

The Noser and the Note


  THE Head Rifler of an insolvent bank, learning that it was about to 
be visited by the official Noser into Things, placed his own 
personal note for a large amount among its resources, and, gaily 
touching his guitar, awaited the inspection.  When the Noser came 
to the note he asked, "What's this?"

  "That," said the Assistant Pocketer of Deposits, "is one of our 
liabilities."

  "A liability?" exclaimed the Noser.  "Nay, nay, an asset.  That is 
what you mean, doubtless."

  "Therein you err," the Pocketer explained; "that note was written 
in the bank with our own pen, ink, and paper, and we have not paid 
a stationery bill for six months."

  "Ah, I see," the Noser said, thoughtfully; "it is a liability.  May 
I ask how you expect to meet it?"

  "With fortitude, please God," answered the Assistant Pocketer, his 
eyes to Heaven raising - "with fortitude and a firm reliance on the 
laxity of the law."

  "Enough, enough," exclaimed the faithful servant of the State, 
choking with emotion; "here is a certificate of solvency."

  "And here is a bottle of ink," the grateful financier said, 
slipping it into the other's pocket; "it is all that we have."

1114 - The Poet's Doom

The Poet's Doom


  AN Object was walking along the King's highway wrapped in 
meditation and with little else on, when he suddenly found himself 
at the gates of a strange city.  On applying for admittance, he was 
arrested as a necessitator of ordinances, and taken before the 
King.

  "Who are you," said the King, "and what is your business in life?"

  "Snouter the Sneak," replied the Object, with ready invention; 
"pick-pocket."

  The King was about to command him to be released when the Prime 
Minister suggested that the prisoner's fingers be examined.  They 
were found greatly flattened and calloused at the ends.

  "Ha!" cried the King; "I told you so! - he is addicted to counting 
syllables.  This is a poet.  Turn him over to the Lord High 
Dissuader from the Head Habit."

  "My liege," said the Inventor-in-Ordinary of Ingenious Penalties, 
"I venture to suggest a keener affliction.

  "Name it," the King said.

  "Let him retain that head!"

  It was so ordered.

1113 - A Hasty Settlement

 A Hasty Settlement


  "YOUR Honour," said an Attorney, rising, "what is the present 
status of this case - as far as it has gone?"

  "I have given a judgment for the residuary legatee under the will," 
said the Court, "put the costs upon the contestants, decided all 
questions relating to fees and other charges; and, in short, the 
estate in litigation has been settled, with all controversies, 
disputes, misunderstandings, and differences of opinion thereunto 
appertaining."

  "Ah, yes, I see," said the Attorney, thoughtfully, "we are making 
progress - we are getting on famously."

  "Progress?" echoed the Judge - "progress?  Why, sir, the matter is 
concluded!"

  "Exactly, exactly; it had to be concluded in order to give 
relevancy to the motion that I am about to make.  Your Honour, I 
move that the judgment of the Court be set aside and the case 
reopened."

  "Upon what ground, sir?" the Judge asked in surprise.

  "Upon the ground," said the Attorney, "that after paying all fees 
and expenses of litigation and all charges against the estate there 
will still be something left."

  "There may have been an error," said His Honour, thoughtfully - 
"the Court may have underestimated the value of the estate.  The 
motion is taken under advisement."

1112 - free talking

1107 - A Protagonist of Silver

  A Protagonist of Silver


  SOME Financiers who were whetting their tongues on their teeth 
because the Government had "struck down" silver, and were about to 
"inaugurate" a season of sweatshed, were addressed as follows by a 
Member of their honourable and warlike body:

  "Comrades of the thunder and companions of death, I cannot but 
regard it as singularly fortunate that we who by conviction and 
sympathy are designated by nature as the champions of that fairest 
of her products, the white metal, should also, by a happy chance, 
be engaged mostly in the business of mining it.  Nothing could be 
more appropriate than that those who from unselfish motives and 
elevated sentiments are doing battle for the people's rights and 
interests, should themselves be the chief beneficiaries of success.  
Therefore, O children of the earthquake and the storm, let us stand 
shoulder to shoulder, heart to heart, and pocket to pocket!"

  This speech so pleased the other Members of the convention that, 
actuated by a magnanimous impulse, they sprang to their feet and 
left the hall.  It was the first time they had ever been known to 
leave anything having value.

1106 - The Lassoed Bear

 The Lassoed Bear


  A HUNTER who had lassoed a Bear was trying to disengage himself 
from the rope, but the slip-knot about his wrist would not yield, 
for the Bear was all the time pulling in the slack with his paws.  
In the midst of his trouble the Hunter saw a Showman passing by, 
and managed to attract his attention.

  "What will you give me," he said, "for my Bear?"

  "It will be some five or ten minutes," said the Showman, "before I 
shall want a fresh Bear, and it looks to me as if prices would fall 
during that time.  I think I'll wait and watch the market."

  "The price of this animal," the Hunter replied, "is down to bed-
rock; you can have him for nothing a pound, spot cash, and I'll 
throw in the next one that I lasso.  But the purchaser must remove 
the goods from the premises forthwith, to make room for three man-
eating tigers, a cat-headed gorilla, and an armful of 
rattlesnakes."

  But the Showman passed on, in maiden meditation, fancy free, and 
being joined soon afterward by the Bear, who was absently picking 
his teeth, it was inferred that they were not unacquainted.

1105 - A Call to Quit

 A Call to Quit


  SEEING that his audiences were becoming smaller every Sunday, a 
Minister of the Gospel broke off in the midst of a sermon, 
descended the pulpit stairs, and walked on his hands down the 
central aisle of the church.  He then remounted his feet, ascended 
to the pulpit, and resumed his discourse, making no allusion to the 
incident.

  "Now," said he to himself, as he went home, "I shall have, 
henceforth, a large attendance and no snoring."

  But on the following Friday he was waited upon by the Pillars of 
the Church, who informed him that in order to be in harmony with 
the New Theology and get full advantage of modern methods of Gospel 
interpretation they had deemed it advisable to make a change.  They 
had therefore sent a call to Brother Jowjeetum-Fallal, the World-
Renowned Hindoo Human Pin-Wheel, then holding forth in Hoopitup's 
circus.  They were happy to say that the reverend gentleman had 
been moved by the Spirit to accept the call, and on the ensuing 
Sabbath would break the bread of life for the brethren or break his 
neck in the attempt.

1104 - The Critics

 The Critics


  WHILE bathing, Antinous was seen by Minerva, who was so enamoured 
of his beauty that, all armed as she happened to be, she descended 
from Olympus to woo him; but, unluckily displaying her shield, with 
the head of Medusa on it, she had the unhappiness to see the 
beautiful mortal turn to stone from catching a glimpse of it.  She 
straightway ascended to ask Jove to restore him; but before this 
could be done a Sculptor and a Critic passed that way and espied 
him.

  "This is a very bad Apollo," said the Sculptor: "the chest is too 
narrow, and one arm is at least a half-inch shorter than the other.  
The attitude is unnatural, and I may say impossible.  Ah! my 
friend, you should see my statue of Antinous."

  "In my judgment, the figure," said the Critic, "is tolerably good, 
though rather Etrurian, but the expression of the face is decidedly 
Tuscan, and therefore false to nature.  By the way, have you read 
my work on 'The Fallaciousness of the Aspectual in Art'?"

1103 - The Broom of the Temple

 The Broom of the Temple


  THE city of Gakwak being about to lose its character of capital of 
the province of Ukwuk, the Wampog issued a proclamation convening 
all the male residents in council in the Temple of Ul to devise 
means of defence.  The first speaker thought the best policy would 
be to offer a fried jackass to the gods.  The second suggested a 
public procession, headed by the Wampog himself, bearing the Holy 
Poker on a cushion of cloth-of-brass.  Another thought that a 
scarlet mole should be buried alive in the public park and a 
suitable incantation chanted over the remains.  The advice of the 
fourth was that the columns of the capitol be rubbed with oil of 
dog by a person having a moustache on the calf of his leg.  When 
all the others had spoken an Aged Man rose and said:

  "High and mighty Wampog and fellow-citizens, I have listened 
attentively to all the plans proposed.  All seem wise, and I do not 
suffer myself to doubt that any one of them would be efficacious.  
Nevertheless, I cannot help thinking that if we would put an 
improved breed of polliwogs in our drinking water, construct 
shallower roadways, groom the street cows, offer the stranger 
within our gates a free choice between the poniard and the potion, 
and relinquish our private system of morals, the other measures of 
public safety would be needless."

  The Aged Man was about to speak further, but the meeting informally 
adjourned in order to sweep the floor of the temple - for the men 
of Gakwak are the tidiest housewives in all that province.  The 
last speaker was the broom.

1031-The Politicians

AN Old Politician and a Young Politician were travelling through a 
beautiful country, by the dusty highway which leads to the City of 
Prosperous Obscurity.  Lured by the flowers and the shade and 
charmed by the songs of birds which invited to woodland paths and 
green fields, his imagination fired by glimpses of golden domes and 
glittering palaces in the distance on either hand, the Young 
Politician said:

  "Let us, I beseech thee, turn aside from this comfortless road 
leading, thou knowest whither, but not I.  Let us turn our backs 
upon duty and abandon ourselves to the delights and advantages 
which beckon from every grove and call to us from every shining 
hill.  Let us, if so thou wilt, follow this beautiful path, which, 
as thou seest, hath a guide-board saying, 'Turn in here all ye who 
seek the Palace of Political Distinction.'"

  "It is a beautiful path, my son," said the Old Politician, without 
either slackening his pace or turning his head, "and it leadeth 
among pleasant scenes.  But the search for the Palace of Political 
Distinction is beset with one mighty peril."

  "What is that?" said the Young Politician.

  "The peril of finding it," the Old Politician replied, pushing on.

1030

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The Moral Sentiment


  A PUGILIST met the Moral Sentiment of the Community, who was
carrying a hat-box.  "What have you in the hat-box, my friend?"
inquired the Pugilist.

  "A new frown," was the answer.  "I am bringing it from the frownery
- the one over there with the gilded steeple."

  "And what are you going to do with the nice new frown?" the
Pugilist asked.

  "Put down pugilism - if I have to wear it night and day," said the
Moral Sentiment of the Community, sternly.

  "That's right," said the Pugilist, "that is right, my good friend;
if pugilism had been put down yesterday, I wouldn't have this kind
of Nose to-day.  I had a rattling hot fight last evening with - "

  "Is that so?" cried the Moral Sentiment of the Community, with
sudden animation.  "Which licked?  Sit down here on the hat-box and
tell me all about it!"

1024

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The Ingenious Patriot


  HAVING obtained an audience of the King an Ingenious Patriot pulled
a paper from his pocket, saying:

  "May it please your Majesty, I have here a formula for constructing
armour-plating which no gun can pierce.  If these plates are
adopted in the Royal Navy our warships will be invulnerable, and
therefore invincible.  Here, also, are reports of your Majesty's
Ministers, attesting the value of the invention.  I will part with
my right in it for a million tumtums."

  After examining the papers, the King put them away and promised him
an order on the Lord High Treasurer of the Extortion Department for
a million tumtums.

  "And here," said the Ingenious Patriot, pulling another paper from
another pocket, "are the working plans of a gun that I have
invented, which will pierce that armour.  Your Majesty's Royal
Brother, the Emperor of Bang, is anxious to purchase it, but
loyalty to your Majesty's throne and person constrains me to offer
it first to your Majesty.  The price is one million tumtums."

  Having received the promise of another check, he thrust his hand
into still another pocket, remarking:

  "The price of the irresistible gun would have been much greater,
your Majesty, but for the fact that its missiles can be so
effectively averted by my peculiar method of treating the armour
plates with a new- "

  The King signed to the Great Head Factotum to approach.

  "Search this man," he said, "and report how many pockets he has."

  "Forty-three, Sire," said the Great Head Factotum, completing the
scrutiny.

  "May it please your Majesty," cried the Ingenious Patriot, in
terror, "one of them contains tobacco."

  "Hold him up by the ankles and shake him," said the King; "then
give him a check for forty-two million tumtums and put him to
death.  Let a decree issue declaring ingenuity a capital offence."

1023

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he Wolf and the Crane


  A Wolf had been gorging on an animal he had killed, when
suddenly a small bone in the meat stuck in his throat and he could
not swallow it.  He soon felt terrible pain in his throat, and ran
up and down groaning and groaning and seeking for something to
relieve the pain.  He tried to induce every one he met to remove
the bone.  "I would give anything," said he, "if you would take it
out."  At last the Crane agreed to try, and told the Wolf to lie
on his side and open his jaws as wide as he could.  Then the Crane
put its long neck down the Wolf's throat, and with its beak
loosened the bone, till at last it got it out.

  "Will you kindly give me the reward you promised?" said the
Crane.

  The Wolf grinned and showed his teeth and said: "Be content.
You have put your head inside a Wolf's mouth and taken it out
again in safety; that ought to be reward enough for you."


Gratitude and greed go not together.

1022-Town Mouse and the Country Mouse

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Town Mouse and the Country Mouse


  Now you must know that a Town Mouse once upon a time went on a
visit to his cousin in the country.  He was rough and ready, this
cousin, but he loved his town friend and made him heartily
welcome.  Beans and bacon, cheese and bread, were all he had to
offer, but he offered them freely.  The Town Mouse rather turned
up his long nose at this country fare, and said: "I cannot
understand, Cousin, how you can put up with such poor food as
this, but of course you cannot expect anything better in the
country; come you with me and I will show you how to live.  When
you have been in town a week you will wonder how you could ever
have stood a country life."  No sooner said than done: the two
mice set off for the town and arrived at the Town Mouse's
residence late at night.  "You will want some refreshment after
our long journey," said the polite Town Mouse, and took his friend
into the grand dining-room.  There they found the remains of a
fine feast, and soon the two mice were eating up jellies and cakes
and all that was nice.  Suddenly they heard growling and barking.
"What is that?" said the Country Mouse.  "It is only the dogs of
the house," answered the other.  "Only!" said the Country Mouse.
"I do not like that music at my dinner."  Just at that moment the
door flew open, in came two huge mastiffs, and the two mice had to
scamper down and run off.  "Good-bye, Cousin," said the Country
Mouse, "What! going so soon?" said the other.  "Yes," he replied;


"Better beans and bacon in peace
than cakes and ale in fear."

1021- The Thief and the Innkeeper

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 The Thief and the Innkeeper


  A THIEF hired a room in a tavern and stayed a while in the hope
of stealing something which should enable him to pay his
reckoning.  When he had waited some days in vain, he saw the
Innkeeper dressed in a new and handsome coat and sitting before
his door.  The Thief sat down beside him and talked with him.  As
the conversation began to flag, the Thief yawned terribly and at
the same time howled like a wolf.  The Innkeeper said, "Why do
you howl so fearfully?'  "I will tell you," said the Thief, "but
first let me ask you to hold my clothes, or I shall tear them to
pieces.  I know not, sir, when I got this habit of yawning, nor
whether these attacks of howling were inflicted on me as a
judgment for my crimes, or for any other cause; but this I do
know, that when I yawn for the third time, I actually turn into a
wolf and attack men."  With this speech he commenced a second fit
of yawning and again howled like a wolf, as he had at first.  The
Innkeeper.  hearing his tale and believing what he said, became
greatly alarmed and, rising from his seat, attempted to run away.
The Thief laid hold of his coat and entreated him to stop,
saying, "Pray wait, sir, and hold my clothes, or I shall tear
them to pieces in my fury, when I turn into a wolf."  At the same
moment he yawned the third time and set up a terrible howl.  The
Innkeeper, frightened lest he should be attacked, left his new
coat in the Thief's hand and ran as fast as he could into the inn
for safety.  The Thief made off with the coat and did not return
again to the inn.


Every tale is not to be believed.

1020

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 The Stag in the Ox-Stall


  A STAG, roundly chased by the hounds and blinded by fear to the
danger he was running into, took shelter in a farmyard and hid
himself in a shed among the oxen.  An Ox gave him this kindly
warning:  "O unhappy creature! why should you thus, of your own
accord, incur destruction and trust yourself in the house of your
enemy?'  The Stag replied:  "Only allow me, friend, to stay where I
am, and I will undertake to find some favorable opportunity of
effecting my escape."  At the approach of the evening the herdsman
came to feed his cattle, but did not see the Stag; and even the
farm-bailiff with several laborers passed through the shed and
failed to notice him.  The Stag, congratulating himself on his
safety, began to express his sincere thanks to the Oxen who had
kindly helped him in the hour of need.  One of them again
answered him:  "We indeed wish you well, but the danger is not
over.  There is one other yet to pass through the shed, who has
as it were a hundred eyes, and until he has come and gone, your
life is still in peril."  At that moment the master himself
entered, and having had to complain that his oxen had not been
properly fed, he went up to their racks and cried out:  "Why is
there such a scarcity of fodder? There is not half enough straw
for them to lie on.  Those lazy fellows have not even swept the
cobwebs away."  While he thus examined everything in turn, he
spied the tips of the antlers of the Stag peeping out of the
straw.  Then summoning his laborers, he ordered that the Stag
should be seized and killed.

1017

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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 The Stag at the Pool


  A STAG overpowered by heat came to a spring to drink.  Seeing his
own shadow reflected in the water, he greatly admired the size
and variety of his horns, but felt angry with himself for having
such slender and weak feet.  While he was thus contemplating
himself, a Lion appeared at the pool and crouched to spring upon
him.  The Stag immediately took to flight, and exerting his
utmost speed, as long as the plain was smooth and open kept
himself easily at a safe distance from the Lion.  But entering a
wood he became entangled by his horns, and the Lion quickly came
up to him and caught him.  When too late, he thus reproached
himself:  "Woe is me! How I have deceived myself! These feet which
would have saved me I despised, and I gloried in these antlers
which have proved my destruction."


What is most truly valuable is often underrated.

1016

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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 The Silkworm and Spider


  Having received an order for twenty yards of silk from Princess
Lioness, the Silkworm sat down at her loom and worked away with
zeal. A Spider soon came around and asked to hire a web-room near
by. The Silkworm acceded, and the Spider commenced her task and worked
so rapidly that in a short time the web was finished. "Just look at
it," she said, "and see how grand and delicate it is. You cannot but
acknowledge that I'm a much better worker than you. See how quickly
I perform my labors." "Yes," answered the Silkworm, "but hush up,
for you bother me. Your labors are designed only as base traps, and
are destroyed whenever they are seen, and brushed away as useless
dirt; while mine are stored away, as ornaments of Royalty."


"True art is thoughtful, delights and endures."

1015

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  The Sick Lion


  A LION, unable from old age and infirmities to provide himself
with food by force, resolved to do so by artifice.  He returned
to his den, and lying down there, pretended to be sick, taking
care that his sickness should be publicly known.  The beasts
expressed their sorrow, and came one by one to his den, where the
Lion devoured them.  After many of the beasts had thus
disappeared, the Fox discovered the trick and presenting himself
to the Lion, stood on the outside of the cave, at a respectful
distance, and asked him how he was.  "I am very middling,"
replied the Lion, "but why do you stand without? Pray enter
within to talk with me."  "No, thank you," said the Fox.  "I
notice that there are many prints of feet entering your cave, but
I see no trace of any returning."


He is wise who is warned by the misfortunes of others.

1013

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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The Salt Merchant and His Ass


  A PEDDLER drove his Ass to the seashore to buy salt.  His road
home lay across a stream into which his Ass, making a false step,
fell by accident and rose up again with his load considerably
lighter, as the water melted the sack.  The Peddler retraced his
steps and refilled his panniers with a larger quantity of salt
than before.  When he came again to the stream, the Ass fell down
on purpose in the same spot, and, regaining his feet with the
weight of his load much diminished, brayed triumphantly as if he
had obtained what he desired.  The Peddler saw through his trick
and drove him for the third time to the coast, where he bought a
cargo of sponges instead of salt.  The Ass, again playing the
fool, fell down on purpose when he reached the stream, but the
sponges became swollen with water, greatly increasing his load.
And thus his trick recoiled on him, for he now carried on his
back a double burden.

1010

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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 The Shipwrecked Impostor


  The shipwrecked Chimpanzee had been clinging for a long time to a
slender spar, when a Dolphin came up and offered to carry him
ashore. This kind proposition was immediately accepted, and, as they
moved along, the Chimp commenced to tell the Fish many marvelous
tales, every one of them a bundle of falsehoods. "Well, well, you
are indeed an educated chap," said the Dolphin in admiration. "My
schooling has been sadly neglected, as I went to sea when but a week
old." Just then they entered a large bay, and the Dolphin, referring
to it, said, "I suppose you know Herring Roads?" The chimp, taking
this for the name of a fellow, and not wishing to appear ignorant,
replied: "Do I know Rhodes? Well, I should almost think so! He's an
old college chum of mine, and related to our family by-" This was
too much for the Dolphin, who immediately made a great leap, and
then diving quickly, left the impostor in the air for an instant
before he splashed back and disappeared.

"A liar deceives no one but himself."

1008

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 The Shepherd's Boy


  There was once a young Shepherd Boy who tended his sheep at
the foot of a mountain near a dark forest.  It was rather lonely
for him all day, so he thought upon a plan by which he could get a
little company and some excitement.  He rushed down towards the
village calling out "Wolf, Wolf," and the villagers came out to
meet him, and some of them stopped with him for a considerable
time.  This pleased the boy so much that a few days afterwards he
tried the same trick, and again the villagers came to his help.
But shortly after this a Wolf actually did come out from the
forest, and began to worry the sheep, and the boy of course cried
out "Wolf, Wolf," still louder than before.  But this time the
villagers, who had been fooled twice before, thought the boy was
again deceiving them, and nobody stirred to come to his help.  So
the Wolf made a good meal off the boy's flock, and when the boy
complained, the wise man of the village said:


"A liar will not be believed, even when he speaks the truth."

1007

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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The Serpent and the Eagle


  An Eagle swooped down upon a Serpent and seized it in his talons
with the intention of carrying it off and devouring it. But the
Serpent was too quick for him and had its coils round him in a moment;
and then there ensued a life-and-death struggle between the two. A
countryman, who was a witness of the encounter, came to the assistance
of the eagle, and succeeded in freeing him from the Serpent and
enabling him to escape. In revenge, the Serpent spat some of his
poison into the man's drinking-horn. Heated with his exertions, the
man was about to slake his thirst with a draught from the horn, when
the Eagle knocked it out of his hand, and spilled its contents upon
the ground.


"One good turn deserves another."

1006

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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 The Seaside Travelers


  SOME TRAVELERS, journeying along the seashore, climbed to the
summit of a tall cliff, and looking over the sea, saw in the
distance what they thought was a large ship.  They waited in the
hope of seeing it enter the harbor, but as the object on which
they looked was driven nearer to shore by the wind, they found
that it could at the most be a small boat, and not a ship.  When
however it reached the beach, they discovered that it was only a
large faggot of sticks, and one of them said to his companions,
"We have waited for no purpose, for after all there is nothing to
see but a load of wood."


Our mere anticipations of life outrun its realities.

0929 and 1002

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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The Owl and the Birds


  AN OWL, in her wisdom, counseled the Birds that when the acorn
first began to sprout, to pull it all up out of the ground and
not allow it to grow.  She said acorns would produce mistletoe,
from which an irremediable poison, the bird-
lime, would be extracted and by which they would be captured.
The Owl next advised them to pluck up the seed of the flax, which
men had sown, as it was a plant which boded no good to them.
And, lastly, the Owl, seeing an archer approach, predicted that
this man, being on foot, would contrive darts armed with feathers
which would fly faster than the wings of the Birds themselves.
The Birds gave no credence to these warning words, but considered
the Owl to be beside herself and said that she was mad.  But
afterwards, finding her words were true, they wondered at her
knowledge and deemed her to be the wisest of birds.  Hence it is
that when she appears they look to her as knowing all things,
while she no longer gives them advice, but in solitude laments
their past folly.

0926

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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  The Peasant and the Apple-Tree


  A PEASANT had in his garden an Apple-Tree which bore no fruit but
only served as a harbor for the sparrows and grasshoppers.  He
resolved to cut it down, and taking his axe in his hand, made a
bold stroke at its roots.  The grasshoppers and sparrows
entreated him not to cut down the tree that sheltered them, but
to spare it, and they would sing to him and lighten his labors.
He paid no attention to their request, but gave the tree a second
and a third blow with his axe.  When he reached the hollow of the
tree, he found a hive full of honey.  Having tasted the
honeycomb, he threw down his axe, and looking on the tree as
sacred, took great care of it.


Self-interest alone moves some men.

0929 => 0925

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 The Old Woman and the Physician


  AN OLD WOMAN having lost the use of her eyes, called in a
Physician to heal them, and made this bargain with him in the
presence of witnesses:  that if he should cure her blindness, he
should receive from her a sum of money; but if her infirmity
remained, she should give him nothing.  This agreement being
made, the Physician, time after time, applied his salve to her
eyes, and on every visit took something away, stealing all her
property little by little.  And when he had got all she had, he
healed her and demanded the promised payment.  The Old Woman,
when she recovered her sight and saw none of her goods in her
house, would give him nothing.  The Physician insisted on his
claim, and.  as she still refused, summoned her before the Judge.
The Old Woman, standing up in the Court, argued:  "This man here
speaks the truth in what he says; for I did promise to give him a
sum of money if I should recover my sight:  but if I continued
blind, I was to give him nothing.  Now he declares that I am
healed.  I on the contrary affirm that I am still blind; for when
I lost the use of my eyes, I saw in my house various chattels and
valuable goods:  but now, though he swears I am cured of my
blindness, I am not able to see a single thing in it."

0926-0924 done

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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  The Monkey and the Dolphin


  A SAILOR, bound on a long voyage, took with him a Monkey to amuse
him while on shipboard.  As he sailed off the coast of Greece, a
violent tempest arose in which the ship was wrecked and he, his
Monkey, and all the crew were obliged to swim for their lives.  A
Dolphin saw the Monkey contending with the waves, and supposing
him to be a man (whom he is always said to befriend), came and
placed himself under him, to convey him on his back in safety to
the shore.  When the Dolphin arrived with his burden in sight of
land not far from Athens, he asked the Monkey if he were an
Athenian.  The latter replied that he was, and that he was
descended from one of the most noble families in that city.  The
Dolphin then inquired if he knew the Piraeus (the famous harbor
of Athens).  Supposing that a man was meant, the Monkey answered
that he knew him very well and that he was an intimate friend.
The Dolphin, indignant at these falsehoods, dipped the Monkey
under the water and drowned him.

0923-0922 done

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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  Mercury and the Workmen


  A WORKMAN, felling wood by the side of a river, let his axe drop
- by accident into a deep pool.  Being thus deprived of the means
of his livelihood, he sat down on the bank and lamented his hard
fate.  Mercury appeared and demanded the cause of his tears.
After he told him his misfortune, Mercury plunged into the
stream, and, bringing up a golden axe, inquired if that were the
one he had lost.  On his saying that it was not his, Mercury
disappeared beneath the water a second time, returned with a
silver axe in his hand, and again asked the Workman if it were
his.  When the Workman said it was not, he dived into the pool
for the third time and brought up the axe that had been lost.
The Workman claimed it and expressed his joy at its recovery.
Mercury, pleased with his honesty, gave him the golden and silver
axes in addition to his own.    The Workman, on his return to his
house, related to his companions all that had happened.  One of
them at once resolved to try and secure the same good fortune for
himself.  He ran to the river and threw his axe on purpose into
the pool at the same place, and sat down on the bank to weep.
Mercury appeared to him just as he hoped he would; and having
learned the cause of his grief, plunged into the stream and
brought up a golden axe, inquiring if he had lost it.  The
Workman seized it greedily, and declared that truly it was the
very same axe that he had lost.  Mercury, displeased at his
knavery, not only took away the golden axe, but refused to
recover for him the axe he had thrown into the pool.

0912-0912 done

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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The Man, the Boy, and the Donkey


  A Man and his son were once going with their Donkey to market.
As they were walking along by its side a countryman passed them
and said: "You fools, what is a Donkey for but to ride upon?"

  So the Man put the Boy on the Donkey and they went on their
way.  But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said: "See
that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides."

  So the Man ordered his Boy to get off, and got on himself.
But they hadn't gone far when they passed two women, one of whom
said to the other: "Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little
son trudge along."

  Well, the Man didn't know what to do, but at last he took his
Boy up before him on the Donkey.  By this time they had come to
the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them.  The
Man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at.  The men said:
"Aren't you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey
with you and your hulking son?"

  The Man and Boy got off and tried to think what to do.  They
thought and they thought, till at last they cut down a pole, tied
the donkey's feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to
their shoulders.  They went along amid the laughter of all who met
them till they came to Market Bridge, when the Donkey, getting one
of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the Boy to drop his end
of the pole.  In the struggle the Donkey fell over the bridge, and
his fore-feet being tied together he was drowned.

  "That will teach you," said an old man who had followed them:

"Please all, and you will please none."

0905

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Today's AESOP's Fable
----------------------------------------------------------------

The Lion, the Fox, and the Ass


  THE LION, the Fox and the Ass entered into an agreement to assist
each other in the chase.  Having secured a large booty, the Lion
on their return from the forest asked the Ass to allot his due
portion to each of the three partners in the treaty.  The Ass
carefully divided the spoil into three equal shares and modestly
requested the two others to make the first choice.  The Lion,
bursting out into a great rage, devoured the Ass.  Then he
requested the Fox to do him the favor to make a division.  The
Fox accumulated all that they had killed into one large heap and
left to himself the smallest possible morsel.  The Lion said,
"Who has taught you, my very excellent fellow, the art of
division? You are perfect to a fraction."  He replied, "I learned
it from the Ass, by witnessing his fate."


Happy is the man who learns from the misfortunes of others.

0904

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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The Lion, Jupiter, and the Elephant


  THE LION wearied Jupiter with his frequent complaints.  "It is
true, O Jupiter!"  he said, "that I am gigantic in strength,
handsome in shape, and powerful in attack.  I have jaws well
provided with teeth, and feet furnished with claws, and I lord it
over all the beasts of the forest, and what a disgrace it is,
that being such as I am, I should be frightened by the crowing of
a cock."  Jupiter replied, "Why do you blame me without a cause? I
have given you all the attributes which I possess myself, and
your courage never fails you except in this one instance."  On
hearing this the Lion groaned and lamented very much and,
reproaching himself with his cowardice, wished that he might die.
As these thoughts passed through his mind, he met an Elephant and
came close to hold a conversation with him.  After a time he
observed that the Elephant shook his ears very often, and he
inquired what was the matter and why his ears moved with such a
tremor every now and then.  Just at that moment a Gnat settled on
the head of the Elephant, and he replied, "Do you see that little
buzzing insect? If it enters my ear, my fate is sealed.  I should
die presently."  The Lion said, "Well, since so huge a beast is
afraid of a tiny gnat, I will no more complain, nor wish myself
dead.  I find myself, even as I am, better off than the
Elephant."

0903

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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The Lion and the Mouse


  Once when a Lion was asleep a little Mouse began running up
and down upon him; this soon wakened the Lion, who placed his huge
paw upon him, and opened his big jaws to swallow him.  "Pardon, O
King," cried the little Mouse: "forgive me this time, I shall
never forget it: who knows but what I may be able to do you a turn
some of these days?"  The Lion was so tickled at the idea of the
Mouse being able to help him, that he lifted up his paw and let
him go.  Some time after the Lion was caught in a trap, and the
hunters who desired to carry him alive to the King, tied him to a
tree while they went in search of a waggon to carry him on.  Just
then the little Mouse happened to pass by, and seeing the sad
plight in which the Lion was, went up to him and soon gnawed away
the ropes that bound the King of the Beasts.  "Was I not right?"
said the little Mouse.


Little friends may prove great friends.

0902

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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The Lark and Her Young Ones


  A LARK had made her nest in the early spring on the young green
wheat.  The brood had almost grown to their full strength and
attained the use of their wings and the full plumage of their
feathers, when the owner of the field, looking over his ripe
crop, said, "The time has come when I must ask all my neighbors
to help me with my harvest."  One of the young Larks heard his
speech and related it to his mother, inquiring of her to what
place they should move for safety.  "There is no occasion to move
yet, my son," she replied; "the man who only sends to his friends
to help him with his harvest is not really in earnest."  The owner
of the field came again a few days later and saw the wheat
shedding the grain from excess of ripeness.  He said, "I will
come myself tomorrow with my laborers, and with as many reapers
as I can hire, and will get in the harvest."  The Lark on hearing
these words said to her brood, "It is time now to be off, my
little ones, for the man is in earnest this time; he no longer
trusts his friends, but will reap the field himself."


Self-help is the best help.

0901

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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The King's Son and the Painted Lion


  A KING, whose only son was fond of martial exercises, had a dream
in which he was warned that his son would be killed by a lion.
Afraid the dream should prove true, he built for his son a
pleasant palace and adorned its walls for his amusement with all
kinds of life-sized animals, among which was the picture of a
lion.  When the young Prince saw this, his grief at being thus
confined burst out afresh, and, standing near the lion, he said:
"O you most detestable of animals! through a lying dream of my
father's, which he saw in his sleep, I am shut up on your account
in this palace as if I had been a girl:  what shall I now do to
you?'  With these words he stretched out his hands toward a
thorn-tree, meaning to cut a stick from its branches so that he
might beat the lion.  But one of the tree's prickles pierced his
finger and caused great pain and inflammation, so that the young
Prince fell down in a fainting fit.  A violent fever suddenly set
in, from which he died not many days later.


We had better bear our troubles bravely than try to escape them.

0829

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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The Huntsman and the Fisherman


  A HUNTSMAN, returning with his dogs from the field, fell in by
chance with a Fisherman who was bringing home a basket well laden
with fish.  The Huntsman wished to have the fish, and their owner
experienced an equal longing for the contents of the game-bag.
They quickly agreed to exchange the produce of their day's sport.
Each was so well pleased with his bargain that they made for some
time the same exchange day after day.  Finally a neighbor said to
them, "If you go on in this way, you will soon destroy by
frequent use the pleasure of your exchange, and each will again
wish to retain the fruits of his own sport."


Abstain and enjoy.

0828

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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The Horse, Hunter and Stag


  A quarrel had arisen between the Horse and the Stag, so the
Horse came to a Hunter to ask his help to take revenge on the
Stag.  The Hunter agreed, but said: "If you desire to conquer the
Stag, you must permit me to place this piece of iron between your
jaws, so that I may guide you with these reins, and allow this
saddle to be placed upon your back so that I may keep steady upon
you as we follow after the enemy."  The Horse agreed to the
conditions, and the Hunter soon saddled and bridled him.  Then
with the aid of the Hunter the Horse soon overcame the Stag, and
said to the Hunter: "Now, get off, and remove those things from my
mouth and back."

  "Not so fast, friend," said the Hunter.  "I have now got you
under bit and spur, and prefer to keep you as you are at present."


If you allow men to use you for your own purposes,
they will use you for theirs.

0827

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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The Hare With Many Friends


  A Hare was very popular with the other beasts who all claimed
to be her friends.  But one day she heard the hounds approaching
and hoped to escape them by the aid of her many Friends.  So, she
went to the horse, and asked him to carry her away from the hounds
on his back.  But he declined, stating that he had important work
to do for his master.  "He felt sure," he said, "that all her
other friends would come to her assistance."  She then applied to
the bull, and hoped that he would repel the hounds with his horns.
The bull replied: "I am very sorry, but I have an appointment with
a lady; but I feel sure that our friend the goat will do what you
want."  The goat, however, feared that his back might do her some
harm if he took her upon it.  The ram, he felt sure, was the
proper friend to apply to.  So she went to the ram and told him
the case.  The ram replied: "Another time, my dear friend.  I do
not like to interfere on the present occasion, as hounds have been
known to eat sheep as well as hares."  The Hare then applied, as a
last hope, to the calf, who regretted that he was unable to help
her, as he did not like to take the responsibility upon himself,
as so many older persons than himself had declined the task.  By
this time the hounds were quite near, and the Hare took to her
heels and luckily escaped.


He that has many friends, has no friends.

0826

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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The Goods and the Ills


  ALL the Goods were once driven out by the Ills from that common
share which they each had in the affairs of mankind; for the Ills
by reason of their numbers had prevailed to possess the earth.
The Goods wafted themselves to heaven and asked for a righteous
vengeance on their persecutors.  They entreated Jupiter that they
might no longer be associated with the Ills, as they had nothing
in common and could not live together, but were engaged in
unceasing warfare; and that an indissoluble law might be laid
down for their future protection.  Jupiter granted their request
and decreed that henceforth the Ills should visit the earth in
company with each other, but that the Goods should one by one
enter the habitations of men.  Hence it arises that Ills abound,
for they come not one by one, but in troops, and by no means
singly:  while the Goods proceed from Jupiter, and are given, not
alike to all, but singly, and separately; and one by one to those
who are able to discern them.

0825

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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The Goatherd and the Wild Goats


  A GOATHERD, driving his flock from their pasture at eventide,
found some Wild Goats mingled among them, and shut them up
together with his own for the night.  The next day it snowed very
hard, so that he could not take the herd to their usual feeding
places, but was obliged to keep them in the fold.  He gave his
own goats just sufficient food to keep them alive, but fed the
strangers more abundantly in the hope of enticing them to stay
with him and of making them his own.  When the thaw set in, he
led them all out to feed, and the Wild Goats scampered away as
fast as they could to the mountains.  The Goatherd scolded them
for their ingratitude in leaving him, when during the storm he
had taken more care of them than of his own herd.  One of them,
turning about, said to him:  "That is the very reason why we are
so cautious; for if you yesterday treated us better than the
Goats you have had so long, it is plain also that if others came
after us, you would in the same manner prefer them to ourselves."


Old friends cannot with impunity be sacrificed for new ones.

0822

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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The Gnat and the Lion


  A GNAT came and said to a Lion, "I do not in the least fear you,
nor are you stronger than I am.  For in what does your strength
consist? You can scratch with your claws and bite with your teeth
an a woman in her quarrels.  I repeat that I am altogether more
powerful than you; and if you doubt it, let us fight and see who
will conquer."  The Gnat, having sounded his horn, fastened
himself upon the Lion and stung him on the nostrils and the parts
of the face devoid of hair.  While trying to crush him, the Lion
tore himself with his claws, until he punished himself severely.
The Gnat thus prevailed over the Lion, and, buzzing about in a
song of triumph, flew away.  But shortly afterwards he became
entangled in the meshes of a cobweb and was eaten by a spider.
He greatly lamented his fate, saying, "Woe is me! that I, who can
wage war successfully with the hugest beasts, should perish
myself from this spider, the most inconsiderable of insects!"

0820

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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The Frogs Desiring a King


  The Frogs were living as happy as could be in a marshy swamp
that just suited them; they went splashing about caring for nobody
and nobody troubling with them.  But some of them thought that
this was not right, that they should have a king and a proper
constitution, so they determined to send up a petition to Jove to
give them what they wanted.  "Mighty Jove," they cried, "send unto
us a king that will rule over us and keep us in order."  Jove
laughed at their croaking, and threw down into the swamp a huge
Log, which came downrplashto the swamp.  The Frogs
were frightened out of their lives by the commotion made in their
midst, and all rushed to the bank to look at the horrible monster;
but after a time, seeing that it did not move, one or two of the
boldest of them ventured out towards the Log, and even dared to
touch it; still it did not move.  Then the greatest hero of the
Frogs jumped upon the Log and commenced dancing up and down upon
it, thereupon all the Frogs came and did the same; and for some
time the Frogs went about their business every day without taking
the slightest notice of their new King Log lying in their midst.
But this did not suit them, so they sent another petition to Jove,
and said to him, "We want a real king; one that will really rule
over us."  Now this made Jove angry, so he sent among them a big
Stork that soon set to work gobbling them all up.  Then the Frogs
repented when too late.


Better no rule than cruel rule.

0818

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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The Frog and the Ox


  "Oh Father," said a little Frog to the big one sitting by the
side of a pool, "I have seen such a terrible monster!  It was as
big as a mountain, with horns on its head, and a long tail, and it
had hoofs divided in two."

  "Tush, child, tush," said the old Frog, "that was only Farmer
White's Ox.  It isn't so big either; he may be a little bit taller
than I, but I could easily make myself quite as broad; just you
see."  So he blew himself out, and blew himself out, and blew
himself out.  "Was he as big as that?" asked he.

  "Oh, much bigger than that," said the young Frog.

  Again the old one blew himself out, and asked the young one if
the Ox was as big as that.

  "Bigger, father, bigger," was the reply.

  So the Frog took a deep breath, and blew and blew and blew,
and swelled and swelled and swelled.  And then he said: "I'm sure
the Ox is not as big as But at this moment he burst.


Self-conceit may lead to self-destruction.

0814

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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The Fox and the Woodcutter


  A FOX, running before the hounds, came across a Woodcutter
felling an oak and begged him to show him a safe hiding-place.
The Woodcutter advised him to take shelter in his own hut, so the
Fox crept in and hid himself in a corner.  The huntsman soon came
up with his hounds and inquired of the Woodcutter if he had seen
the Fox.  He declared that he had not seen him, and yet pointed,
all the time he was speaking, to the hut where the Fox lay
hidden.  The huntsman took no notice of the signs, but believing
his word, hastened forward in the chase.  As soon as they were
well away, the Fox departed without taking any notice of the
Woodcutter:  whereon he called to him and reproached him, saying,
"You ungrateful fellow, you owe your life to me, and yet you
leave me without a word of thanks."  The Fox replied, "Indeed, I
should have thanked you fervently if your deeds had been as good
as your words, and if your hands had not been traitors to your
speech."

0812

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Today's AESOP's Fable
----------------------------------------------------------------

The Fox Without a Tail


  It happened that a Fox caught its tail in a trap, and in
struggling to release himself lost all of it but the stump.  At
first he was ashamed to show himself among his fellow foxes.  But
at last he determined to put a bolder face upon his misfortune,
and summoned all the foxes to a general meeting to consider a
proposal which he had to place before them.  When they had
assembled together the Fox proposed that they should all do away
with their tails.  He pointed out how inconvenient a tail was when
they were pursued by their enemies, the dogs; how much it was in
the way when they desired to sit down and hold a friendly
conversation with one another.  He failed to see any advantage in
carrying about such a useless encumbrance.  "That is all very
well," said one of the older foxes; "but I do not think you would
have recommended us to dispense with our chief ornament if you had
not happened to lose it yourself."


Distrust interested advice.

0811

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Today's AESOP's Fable
----------------------------------------------------------------

The Fox and the Stork


  At one time the Fox and the Stork were on visiting terms and
seemed very good friends.  So the Fox invited the Stork to dinner,
and for a joke put nothing before her but some soup in a very
shallow dish.  This the Fox could easily lap up, but the Stork
could only wet the end of her long bill in it, and left the meal
as hungry as when she began.  "I am sorry," said the Fox, "the
soup is not to your liking."

  "Pray do not apologise," said the Stork.  "I hope you will
return this visit, and come and dine with me soon."  So a day was
appointed when the Fox should visit the Stork; but when they were
seated at table all that was for their dinner was contained in a
very long-necked jar with a narrow mouth, in which the Fox could
not insert his snout, so all he could manage to do was to lick the
outside of the jar.

  "I will not apologise for the dinner," said the Stork:


"One bad turn deserves another."

0807

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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The Fox and the Goat


  A FOX one day fell into a deep well and could find no means of
escape.  A Goat, overcome with thirst, came to the same well, and
seeing the Fox, inquired if the water was good.  Concealing his
sad plight under a merry guise, the Fox indulged in a lavish
praise of the water, saying it was excellent beyond measure, and
encouraging him to descend.  The Goat, mindful only of his
thirst, thoughtlessly jumped down, but just as he drank, the Fox
informed him of the difficulty they were both in and suggested a
scheme for their common escape.  "If," said he, "you will place
your forefeet upon the wall and bend your head, I will run up
your back and escape, and will help you out afterwards."  The Goat
readily assented and the Fox leaped upon his back.  Steadying
himself with the Goat's horns, he safely reached the mouth of the
well and made off as fast as he could.  When the Goat upbraided
him for breaking his promise, he turned around and cried out,
"You foolish old fellow! If you had as many brains in your head
as you have hairs in your beard, you would never have gone down
before you had inspected the way up, nor have exposed yourself to
dangers from which you had no means of escape."


Look before you leap.

0806

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Today's AESOP's Fable
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The Fox, the Cock and the Dog


  One moonlight night a Fox was prowling about a farmer's
hen-coop, and saw a Cock roosting high up beyond his reach.  "Good
news, good news!" he cried.

  "Why, what is that?" said the Cock.

  "King Lion has declared a universal truce.  No beast may hurt
a bird henceforth, but all shall dwell together in brotherly
friendship."

  "Why, that is good news," said the Cock; "and there I see some
one coming, with whom we can share the good tidings."  And so
saying he craned his neck forward and looked afar off.

  "What is it you see?" said the Fox.

  "It is only my master's Dog that is coming towards us.  What,
going so soon?" he continued, as the Fox began to turn away as
soon as he had heard the news.  "Will you not stop and
congratulate the Dog on the reign of universal peace?"

  "I would gladly do so," said the Fox, "but I fear he may not
have heard of King Lion's decree."


Cunning often outwits itself.